Did you hear the one about…

The Hebrew lesson

Eight-year-old Isaac has been going to his shul’s Hebrew classes for five months but is struggling to understand the words. Like many other children his age, he finds it difficult to concentrate on anything other then his cell phone, his computer and his video games. Today, Rabbi Bloom, his teacher, is having a particularly difficult time with Isaac.

“So Isaac,” asks Rabbi Bloom, “do you remember what the Hebrew word isha [wife] means?”

“I can’t remember, rabbi,” replies Isaac, looking embarrassed.

Rabbi Bloom decides to help Isaac as much as he can. “Let me give you a hint, then,” he says. “Just watch my lips. Isha means a w … “

“A witch?” suggests Isaac.

“Now don’t be silly, Isaac,” says Rabbi Bloom, “try again. Isha means a w … “

“A wizard, maybe or a werewolf?” suggests Isaac.

“No!” says Rabbi Bloom, getting a bit angry. “Please concentrate. I’ll give you one more chance. Isha means a w … “

“A Walkman?” replies Issac.

“Just where do you think a Walkman fits into the stories from the Old Testament?” groans Rabbi Bloom.

Then he tries one more approach. “Isaac, isha is something your father has, your uncle has, and what I too have. Now do you know what isha means?”

“Yes,” replies Isaac, “I know now. Isha is a wart.”

Problem solved … ?

Monty meets up with his friend Cyril in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. “Nu, Cyril, why the glum face?” asks Monty. “It’s not like you to look so sad.”

“Oy vay iz meer, do I have a problem,” replies Cyril. “The credit crunch is killing me — I just have to raise $200,000 in the next two weeks or else my 20-year-old business is doomed.”

“Don’t worry, my friend,” says Monty, “You can easily overcome your problem.”

“How can I do that?” asks Cyril.

“Here’s what you do,” replies Monty. “Go out into the streets and sell 200,000 shoelaces for $1 each.”

“But I don’t have any shoelaces,” says Cyril.

“Oy, then you have a problem,” says Monty.