A good reason

One Shabbat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to synagogue.

“I’m not going,” he replied.

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied: “I’ll give you two good reasons why you must go to shul. One, you’re 54 years old.

“And two, you’re the rabbi!”

The dress code

A terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling neckties.

The terrorist asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The terrorist shouted, “Idiot! I don’t need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, Jew, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.”

Muttering, the terrorist staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, shouting: “Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”