Can a Holocaust survivor forgive the Nazis?
Frederic Luskin, who created and directs Stanford’s Forgiveness Project asks, how else can the victim move past that tragedy and find the emotional freedom to live a normal, happy life?
Luskin spoke to an audience of more than 40 at Peninsula Temple Beth El last week. The event was sponsored by Yeshiva Chadasha, the adult studies program at the San Mateo synagogue
“Repentance, or tshuvah, is a powerful tradition in which we clean the plate of burdens,” said the synagogue’s assistant rabbi, Michael Lesak, who hosted the event. “Dr. Luskin’s prescription of forgiveness is particularly appropriate in preparing for Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.”
During the High Holy Day services, and in the weeks leading to them, Jews are admonished to search their souls for sins for which they should ask God’s forgiveness.
But the greater burden, according to Luskin, may be the anger they harbor for injuries, real or perceived, that others have inflicted upon them.
“The heart of forgiveness is a question of what you do when you don’t get what you want,” said Luskin, who is a research fellow with the Stanford Center for Research in Disease Prevention. “It doesn’t matter whether a person or God or the weather didn’t do what you wanted. How we deal with it is the important thing.”
Luskin cited three components of forgiveness: Before you forgive, know what you didn’t like; there is no shame in telling a few people to get support; know how you feel.
Luskin said his mother is absolutely unable to forgive the Germans. Perhaps as a result, she is still very unhappy.
“You can’t change the past, but you can have hope for the future,” he said. “It is to one’s detriment to freeze the past. Many Holocaust survivors, Native Americans and African Americans let their bitterness about the past stifle their humanity and limit their opportunities for future peace and fulfillment.”
He pointed to several studies showing that bitterness and anger with others is self-destructive. As people learn how to forgive, they become psychologically, emotionally and physically stronger, Luskin said, reporting that the incidence of illness is much higher in people who cannot forgive.
“It is this burden,” Lesak said, “that Jews must throw off if they are to enter the new year with a clean plate.”
One participant in the program said she felt she could never overcome her anger and grief over the loss of her murdered husband. Should she forgive the murderer? “What do we do when we are victims of tragedy?’ she asked.
While saying one should only do what one is comfortable doing, Luskin posed another question. He asked the woman, what kind of memorial do you wish to leave for your husband? Do you want his memorial to be one of anger, or would a loving memorial be more likely to give you peace? He advised that she should recognize that this loss is irreplaceable, but her life isn’t over. “How do you want to live the rest of your life?” he asked.
Saying that people should take events that befall them less personally, Luskin emphasized that they are nonetheless responsible for their feelings.
Spiritual forgiveness involves “reclaiming your ability to find love in your heart and appreciate more fully those around us,” he said. “You find peace and meaning in your life, moving beyond and severing the cord of hurt.”
Diane Read of San Mateo agreed: “Be open to miracles,” she said. “When I was in a bad accident and spent months in the hospital where I was basically helpless, I started giving thanks to those people helping me. Showing gratitude to people you appreciate gives you a great feeling. Later, I called the person who had caused the accident to tell him I was OK.”