Thin no more

A newly observant house painter was meeting with his rabbi during the High Holy Days, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.

“Rabbi, I’ve done awful things as a painter. I’ve done sloppy jobs, used inferior-quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I’ve committed in a previous life?”

The rabbi thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced: “Repaint, repaint, and thin no more.”

Four rabbis

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “Three to one, majority rules” statement that signified he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

“Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.

“A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!”

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi is getting ready to ask for a “very big” sign, but just as he says “Oh God …” the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, “Well?”

“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2!”

Pure science

Two sages of Chelm got involved in a deep philosophical argument.

“Since you’re so wise,” said one, sarcastically, “try to answer this question: Why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it’s bound to fall on the buttered side?”

But as the other sage was a bit of a scientist he decided to disprove this theory by a practical experiment. He went and buttered a slice of bread. Then he dropped it.

“There you are!” he cried triumphantly. “The bread, as you see, hasn’t fallen on its buttered side at all. So where is your theory now?”

“Ho-ho!” laughed the other, derisively. “You think you’re smart! You buttered the bread on the wrong side!”

The package

Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.

The postmaster says, “This package is too heavy, you’ll need another stamp.”

Moishe replies, “And that should make it lighter?”

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