All in the oys

Four old Jewish men are seated at a restaurant.

“Oy!” says the first.

“Oy vey!” says the second.

“Nu!” says the third.

The fourth man rises to his feet and says, “If you’re going to talk politics, then I’m getting out of here.”

Keeping tabs

The afternoon is drawing to a close, and the guests are getting ready to leave Mrs. Leibowitz’s book club.

One of the ladies says, “Mrs. Leibowitz, your cookies are so scrumptious that I couldn’t help myself from eating five of them.”

“You had six,” Mrs. Leibowitz said, “but who’s counting?”

What really matters

A gentleman from Manhattan gets into a horrible car accident. The paramedics arrive at the scene of the accident:

The man says, “Oh no, this is terrible, my new Mercedes Benz!”

The paramedic says, “Sir, you should be thankful that you got out of here alive. Look at your arm! It’s detached and lying 15 feet away down the road.”

The man replies, “Oh no, my Rolex!”