Jewish future-transit: Zip to L.A. on the Hyper-Shofar-Loop

News item: Billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has unveiled a transportation concept that he said could whisk passengers the nearly 400 miles from Los Angeles to San Francisco in 30 minutes, half the time it takes an airplane … His “Hyperloop” system for travel would use a large tube. Inside, capsules would float on air, traveling at over 700 mph. The air would be sucked by a powerful fan at the front and expelled at the rear.  — Associated Press
Build a high-speed Hyper-Shofar-Loop between Los Angeles and San Francisco? Do you think you’re Elon Musk, only Jewish? At the ribbon cutting what would we say? “All aboard”? Or “Tekiah gedolah”?

In the just-released plan, the Hyper-Shofar-Loop, powered by mighty blasts of air, calls for a system of egg-shaped shuttles carrying 10 passengers each to speedily glide over the near 400-mile distance inside specially-extruded shofar-like tubes.

Reaching speeds of twice that of a shofar blast, the Hyper-Shofar-Loop, powered by a yontifonic blower — imagine a giant seltzer bottle, only filled with air — would allow the traveler to span the distance in roughly the time it takes to wink out after eating a large Rosh Hashanah lunch.

Previously, the state of California had been planning to build a high-speed train, but train-shmain, with so many stops in the boonies, who needs it? Besides, a high-speed shofar sounds so much better.

Just envision your first ride: Strapped into your seat — soft as lox and eggs — you’re off with a whoosh. Looking out the window, the landscape quickly turns to blur, and before you can even remember that you forgot to bring the bar mitzvah gift, you’ve arrived.

Beyond the obvious advantage of being able to shop both San Francisco’s Union Square and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills the same day, the Hyper-Shofar-Loop would create whopping new opportunities for both cities’ Jewish communities.

One could have breakfast in L.A. at Cantor’s Deli, and lunch in San Francisco at Wise Sons Jewish Delicatessen, and just to show off, zoom back to L.A. for a hot dog at Jeff’s for dinner.

Underemployed rabbis and cantors would now be able to work jobs in both cities.

And just think, for those with relatives in both towns, on holidays you could visit them all — in one day!

Why play Jewish geography when you can actually live it?

Soon, being bi-coastal will be so old school; bi-polis will be in. In a hurry to celebrate Shabbat? From San Francisco, hop on the loop and speed to L.A., where sunset and the day of rest come 22 minutes earlier. Conversely, if you need extra time to run out and buy some HeBrew to bring to a Shabbat dinner, simply zip to San Francisco.

On the downside, future college students who hoped to escape their Southland parents by moving to the Bay Area, or vice versa, might now find that the dramatically shortened travel time between the two cities brings them too close to home.

Trying to unload an old mahjong table on Craigslist? With the Hyper-Shofar-Loop, you will soon be able to sell to both markets. Also, limiting yourself to JDates within 30 miles will be a thing of the past.

For those with safety concerns, the Hyper-Shofar-Loop, built to withstand the vibrations of teruah and sh’varim shofar blast oscillations, would be able to withstand most California quakes.

Some critics will ask, “How will the Hyper-Shofar-Loop be paid for?” (Not that you should feel guilty, but how does it feel to stand in the way of progress?) Not to worry, we’ll have a telethon.

Edmon Rodman
Edmon J. Rodman

Edmon J. Rodman writes about Jewish life from his home in Los Angeles and is the author of the weekly Guide for the Jewplexed on Contact him at [email protected].