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Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night these days, I find it impossible not to check my phone. I’ve been expecting an Iranian/Hamas/Hezbollah/Houthi attack on Israel ever since the assassination of a Hamas leader in Tehran on July 31.

Things change so quickly. One day we’re on the brink of a permanent cease-fire, and the next we’re on the brink of the apocalypse. No doubt, by the time you read this, the situation will have changed again.

It’s been a bit of a stretch to go out and really enjoy myself since Oct. 7, but I gave it a shot a few weeks ago.

I got tickets for a comedy troupe at the Berkeley Rep in late July. My wife and I ventured down from Sonoma County to grab the sort of food we don’t see much of up here, check out that great bookstore on the corner and grab a few laughs at the show.

The show was OK, not great. As I was settling back into my seat after intermission, a guy from two rows behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Am Yisrael Chai.”

He had seen the Bring Them Home Now dog tag I was wearing around my neck and wanted to reach out in support.

I wear that dog tag in particular for Keith Siegel, who was kidnapped on Oct. 7 from Kibbutz Kfar Aza. He is the brother of my friend Lee Siegel, who lives on a different kibbutz where I also once resided.

I lived in Israel for quite a while. I go back every year or two — and whenever I can, I vote. I have lots of dear friends and relatives there. I grew up in a Zionist youth movement, Habonim Dror, and really drank the Kool-Aid. Israel and its fate run heavy in my veins. 

But when I heard “Am Yisrael Chai” from this well-meaning guy, I cringed despite my warm affinity with this fellow Zionist.

I’m not sure of my exact words, but I remember shaking my head and saying something like “I’m not so sure of that anymore. Not if we keep going down this path.”

Then the show began again, and I had to shut up.

I sat there thinking about why this man’s warm “Am Yisrael Chai” made me feel so uncomfortable. And at the end of the show, as we were filing out, I had to stop the guy — partially to apologize for my response, partially to explain myself.

“Hey, I just want to tell you why I’m not so sure of our fate. It’s not all our enemies who surround us. It’s what we’re doing in the West Bank, and the right-wing racists and nationalists who are in the government and driving the land appropriations, illegal settlements and harassment of the Palestinians. That’s what’s going to be the death of us. They’ve hijacked the Israel I once cherished.”

I’m not sure if he responded. I was shaking a little bit, having spewed a bit of what was in my heart at this well-meaning stranger and not knowing how he’d take it.

My wife scolded me. “You had to go and do that?”

The next day, the story broke of right-wing activists protesting, together with Avi Sukkot, a Religious Zionism member of the Knesset, outside the gates of the Sde Teiman military base.

The base is serving as a detention facility for thousands of Palestinian suspects, some affiliated with Hamas and some who simply seem like they could have ties with Hamas. Many are held without charges.

One of the prisoners had recently been taken to a nearby hospital after having been brutally sodomized by some of our soldiers. His condition was dire. The army sent some officers to investigate and initially arrested nine soldiers who may have been involved. The protesters were angry about the detention of the soldiers and even broke through the gates of the facility in an effort to free them.

Their position seemed to be: Why shouldn’t we be allowed to do anything we want to these murderous Palestinian terrorists?

Here’s the clincher. The mob of angry protesters still outside the gates, began singing and chanting “Am Yisrael, am Yisrael, am Yisrael chai!” — with force, pride and anger.

They reinforced for me why it’s now such a cringe-worthy chant and why Israel itself seems like it has been stolen from the rest of us.