Rachel Biale, MSW, is a Berkeley-based parenting consultant who has worked with parents of very young children for more than 25 years. Her website is www.parentingcounseling.net. Send questions through her Facebook page, Parenting Counseling by Rachel Biale, or via [email protected].
We are invited to my cousin’s wedding, our first-ever gay wedding. My kids, ages 8 and 6, are included, and therein lies my dilemma. I love Mira (not her real name) and my kids adore her, so we’d like to attend as a family. However, we are members of a tight-knit Orthodox community in the Midwest. I know you’re in the Bay Area where LGBT weddings are common, but they’re not here in Middle America and in our small Jewish community. I’ll be putting my kids in a very awkward situation. I certainly don’t want them to feel they have to keep the wedding a secret, yet I don’t think they are sophisticated enough to understand they shouldn’t mention the two brides. I don’t want to be the center of a controversy in our shul; our family doesn’t need that kind of attention. — Orthodox Mom in Ohio
Dear Mom: You are right: here in the Bay Area your dilemma is mostly a thing of the past (at least I hope so). Yet, your questions are important, both regarding the specific circumstances and more generally, about putting kids in complex, awkward situations.
Let me begin with my personal experience — my family’s first invitation to a gay wedding, more than 20 years ago. My kids were about the same age as yours and were also invited. The event was quintessentially Bay Area, not only as one of the first Jewish LGBT weddings anywhere, but also because of its location in a first-growth redwood grove and the informal ambience. We told our kids about the wedding invitation (actually a rare thing for them) and that they should know it was two men getting married. My son, at the only age when he cared about social conventions, passed. My daughter was ecstatic. At 5 years old, she was deep into her infatuation-obsession with brides. We got there early at her insistence — so we’d get seats up front. Flute notes wafted up between the sequoias and the couple marched down the aisle, dressed in beautiful matching linen suits. My daughter stared; her face fell: “Where’s the dress?”
All of this is to say that what this wedding will mean to your kids depends on their expectations. And, of course, on how you handle explanations. First of all, I urge you to attend the wedding, not just for your cousin’s and family’s sake, but for your kids. What would you say to them if they ask — now or in years to come — why you didn’t attend? Any explanation I might conjure up would put you in a bad light.
Because you’re living in an Orthodox community, I imagine your kids have attended several weddings already, so listen for their expectations. Tell them about Mira’s wedding and casually mention that her “groom” is a woman. If your kids have met Mira’s partner, they probably already like her. If not, show them pictures and keep quiet. Let them digest and ask whatever questions they might have.
You may actually be surprised to see that they don’t question why Mira is marrying a woman, not a man. If they do, give a simple answer: “People marry the person they love and Mira loves Susan.”
As you talk about it, your kids may want to know if the newlyweds will have kids and your older child may ask how they could. Again, all you need is a simple explanation of artificial insemination (assuming you’ve already covered the basics of procreation): “A doctor gives the mother sperm from a man who has donated it.” They probably know about adoption already, but if not, a similar explanation is in order.
Now the tough one: telling your kids not to broadcast the information. The key is honesty: “Some people feel fine about it, but some people (“including me,” if that’s the case) don’t. In our shul, most people feel it’s not right, so it’s not done, and you don’t have to tell people about it if you don’t want to.” Listen to what they say and support their right to their opinions while upholding the right of others to differ.
The lesson they learn will serve them as they grow up and navigate the mazes of conflicting views and complex identities.