We have to stop using the words “intermarrieds” or “intermarried.” These archaic terms are too restrictive and in some communities, in some cultures, actually smack of “profiling.” These terms aren’t as severe as the phrase “non-Jewish spouse,” but even that term is weighted in today’s world.
“Intermarried” in certain religious movements includes people of patrilineal descent, while in others it does not. The word “intermarried” in some communities includes same-sex couples, but in others it does not and most likely, never will. The word “intermarried” certainly does not include couples who are not married in which one party is not Jewish and let’s face it, this population is growing.
We need a more precise yet inclusive language.
This past summer, I was approached by a man who recently had a secular wedding and wanted me to officiate at his religious marriage ceremony, which would take place in the following year. He found me because I had officiated at his first cousin’s marriage a number of years earlier. He was a patrilineal Jew and realized that in order for me to officiate, some things, to quote him, “had to be fixed.”
My response was immediate: “Of course, I will officiate at your wedding and yes, there are certain items that need to be addressed, but I want you to know that you are Jewish by a different definition. In order for me to officiate, you will need to undergo a “ceremony of completion.” This simple rephrasing placed this young man at ease and eliminated any reasons he might have had to my halachic concerns.
In order to recognize the increased diversity within our communities, phrases like, “people who were born into different religious traditions” need to replace words like “intermarrieds” and “intermarriage.” The former is embracing, the latter are restrictive and isolating. Our communities are challenged to create a “language of inclusion,” and replacing those words is one step in the right direction.
Rabbi Charles Simon is the executive director of the Federation of Jewish Mens’ Clubs, a volunteer arm of the Conservative/Masorti movement. This essay first appeared at eJewishPhilanthropy.com.