Nothing bothers parents more than losing it with their kids. How can we control our tempers and parent without anger? Here are four ways that can help.
1. It’s normal to get angry. In her book “Love and Anger, the Parental Dilemma,” Nancy Samalin explains that we often are amazed at the angry feelings stirred up when raising our children. Even the most tolerant people experience anger that comes boiling to the surface when they have kids.
Raising children is frustrating: temper tantrums after you had a long day at work, refusing to listen, talking back, missing curfew …
Frustration that is part and parcel of being a parent can quickly escalate to outright anger. Samalin believes the problem might be exacerbated by unrealistic expectations or beliefs about parenting. Many of us who grew up on TV shows like “Happy Days” might think, “Good parents just don’t get angry, therefore I must be a bad parent,” which makes us feel inadequate and even more angry.
We need to realize that our anger is probably a result of the frustrations and annoyances that come with raising kids. It is normal and understandable. We are not bad people because we get angry at our kids. So stop getting angry at yourself for getting angry. That will get you one step closer to gaining control.
2. Lower your expectations. We bring a lot of unrealistic expectations to parenting that contribute to feelings of inadequacy. Some examples of this distorted thinking are:
• I should always feel happy when I parent.
• My kids should always look neat and clean.
• My kids should always behave.
• Dinner needs to consist of the major food groups and my kids need to eat all of it.
If you think that your children should always look neat and clean, you will be fighting a lot of battles with your kids. And if you think that your kids should eat everything on their plate, dinnertime will be far from peaceful.
Ask yourself: Are any of my expectations too high and unattainable? Getting a better, more realistic picture of what makes a good parent will go a long way in helping you keep calm.
3. You are being hijacked. It’s best not to say anything when you’re angry. In the heat of the moment you’ve lost your ability to think straight. Experts call this response the “Amygdala Hijack.” The amygdala is a part of your brain that protects you when it senses you are under attack or threatened. It moves you into “flight or fight, or play dead” mode by sending hormones to shut off the part of your brain that takes care of rational, logical thinking, the prefrontal cortex.
We use the prefrontal cortex to make judgments, consider the consequences of our actions and decisions, and build relationships. So when you’re angry, it feels like you can’t think straight because your brain actually won’t let you.
That’s why we should count to 10, breathe deeply or go into another room. Wait it out. This helps you move out of the “flight or fight” mode and helps the hormones to move back into your prefrontal cortex, so you are better able to handle your anger.
4. Express your anger in a controlled manner. Haim Ginott, author of “Between Parent and Child,” recommends talking about your feelings when you are getting upset. But he has one caveat: Express your anger, but do not insult, accuse or blame your child in the process.
Do not let anger fester. When anger is kept inside, there is no way to let off steam and often leads parents to lose their cool and, with it, their dignity and authority.
Ginott suggests using “I” statements. For example, when your child balks when asked to clean his room, you can try saying: “I am getting frustrated and upset. When I ask you to clean your room, I expect you to clean your room.”
When a child comes in past curfew, say, “I was worried and now I am angry. I expect you to call when you are going to be late.”
Practicing these techniques not only models for our children appropriate responses to anger, but it teaches them to manage their own.
Adina Soclof is the director of parent outreach for A+ Solutions, a provider of educational and psychological services based in Beechwood, Ohio. This column is reprinted from Aish.com.