Jewish leaders are rarely at a loss for words, but there are certain things we almost never hear from them.
For example, what Jewish leader has ever said this to potential contributors: “Well, guys, I think we’ve raised enough money this year, so why don’t you all go to Cancun instead?”
Jewish big shots almost never confess in public that they don’t know enough about an important issue to offer an emphatic sound bite to reporters. In a world where dozens of Jewish organizations vie for scraps of media attention, doubt and uncertainty don’t sell.
Jewish leaders never hint that the problems their organizations were created to meet have been solved, even though they invariably contradict themselves by bragging about how their own efforts have improved things.
“We’ve made great progress, but the job isn’t done yet” may be the most overused appeal in Jewish direct-mail advertising — more and more, the force that shapes our communal life.
Here are a few modest examples of statements I’d like to hear from Jewish leaders:
*”Gosh, those Mideast negotiations are just so darned complicated, I don’t know what to think.”
This, of course, is the only sensible answer these days when queried about the on-again, off-again negotiations, especially here in the United States, where every last Mideast fact has been put through an extended political spin cycle by partisans on both sides of the debate.
But Jewish leaders here all have absolute, passionate opinions that they’re prepared to defend to the death, or until the spin coming from Jerusalem changes, whichever comes first.
Guess what, guys? American Jews are smart enough to know that simple slogans — left wing, right wing or no wing at all — don’t mean much in this complicated part of the world. Nobody’s fooled, except perhaps, for these Jewish talking heads themselves.
*”Hey, thanks anyway, but I really don’t really need another award. Give it to the people who actually did the work.”
You know the drill: a Jewish macher gets a testimonial dinner for contributions to the communal good, but most of the heavy lifting is really done by low-paid flunkies or anonymous volunteers. Or else the “work” consists almost entirely of writing checks and knowing others who can do the same.
There’s nothing wrong with honoring big givers — most Jewish organizations would be out of business without them — but there’s something tacky about testimonials honoring the same people, over and over again, with the same beaming pictures of honorees and spouses, the same inscribed plaques, the same keynoting politicians enjoying that tantalizing taste treat — kosher banquet chicken, with a dessert of licked boots.
*”This organization has served its purpose, so we’re going to fold up shop.”
Yeah, right: not in this life. In the Jewish world we have archaic organizations that have been searching for a new raison d’être for a half century or more; we have organizations devoted to rescuing Jews who have long ago been rescued, or don’t want to be rescued. Sometimes this organizational persistence turns out to be smart. The recent collapse of Russia, coming only seven years after the collapse of the Soviet Union, makes the Soviet Jewry groups that hung on for dear life look prescient.
But other groups just hang on, working out of increasingly dreary little offices in bad neighborhoods, spending more and more of their time trying to squeeze out a few shekels from a dwindling base of donors so they can continue their futile existences.
Maybe Dr. Jack Kevorkian should sign on as a consultant to a few of the more infirm organizations.
*”Sen. John Doe’s support for Israel sounds a little fishy to me.”
Politicians who have become hooked on the drug of pro-Israel campaign contributions are adept at talking the talk — especially today, when support for Israel is about as controversial as support for Smoky the Bear.
Lawmakers who couldn’t find the Jewish state on a map speak soberly about maintaining Israel’s “qualitative military edge,” knowing all along they won’t have to come up with any more money to do so.
They’re always ready to sign “dear colleague” letters blasting Yasser Arafat — not exactly a profile in courage. Democrats and Republicans alike are eager beavers when it comes to blasting administration “pressure” on Israel. A single indignant statement can bring in a few thousand more campaign bucks.
That’s nice, but one wonders: Is it because they admire the concept of a Jewish state and the stunning accomplishments of the Israeli people, or just the concept of Jewish money pouring into their campaign coffers?
And if this is strictly a mercenary transaction, will Israel’s position deteriorate if pro-Israel donors are ever outbid? And will these guys still be there the next time supporting Israel becomes politically costly — as it inevitably will?