JERUSALEM — From outward appearances, Mattan seems like a typical 3-year-old. He has two parents who love him, lots of toys and an endearing little brother. He sometimes bosses his parents around and pits them against each other, and he has to be coaxed to eat his meals.
But there is one thing that makes Mattan decidedly different.
One parent he calls “Ima,” Hebrew for mother. The other he calls “Mommy.” But while Mattan recognizes them both as his mother, the Interior Ministry has refused to.
The Interior Ministry does not recognize two mothers for one child.
Ruti and Nicole Berner-Kadish have petitioned the Supreme Court for reconsideration of the ministry’s stance. The court two weeks ago gave the Interior Ministry 90 days to explain why it rejected Nicole’s request to be recognized as the adoptive mother of her lesbian partner’s son.
On the day after the court’s decision, the impish Mattan seemed totally unaware of the brouhaha. But Ruti and Nicole, both dual citizens of Israel and the United States, were emotionally exhausted by the ordeal.
“Would you make aliyah if you weren’t allowed to be your son’s mother?” asked the American-born Nicole, who moved to Israel after college and gained citizenship in 1991.
Ruti, an Israeli who got American citizenship while studying in the United States, was artificially inseminated and gave birth to Mattan in California, one of 20 U.S. states to recognize same-sex adoptions.
The couple, who will celebrate their fifth anniversary this month, moved to Israel six months ago after the birth of Nicole’s son, Naveh, also fathered by artificial insemination. Ruti plans to adopt Naveh in California, and then hopefully in Israel, depending on the outcome of Mattan’s case.
Two months ago, in the petition submitted to the Supreme Court on behalf of Ruti and Nicole, attorney Hadass Tagari of the Association for Civil Rights in Israel claimed that the Interior Ministry must register the U.S. adoption documents regardless of its own practices.
“If we lose, I don’t know if we could stay here,” said 34-year-old Nicole, sitting in the couple’s cluttered Jerusalem apartment.
“It’s accepting being a second-class citizen; condoning it, saying we aren’t worthy. These things should not be done, and we will not accept it,” said Ruti, 35.
If the adoption is recognized, Nicole will be able to register Mattan for school and for National Insurance. She will be able to make crucial decisions that any parent would make,
“Nicole wanted me to take him to the doctor because she was afraid he’d ask for her ID card to prove she was Mattan’s mother,” Ruti said.
With an officially recognized adoption, “If we separated or one of us died, I’d still have legal custody,” Nicole said. “Otherwise the court is saying to me: ‘You can live here, but you are not his mother.'”
The decision will have financial ramifications as well.
“In America, I had health benefits for Mattan, I claimed him as a tax dependent,” Nicole said .
Of course, the decision has ramifications for the entire family. “I would never have kids as a single mother; I think it’s too hard on your own,” Ruti said. “We made the decision together to start a family.”
Nicole added: “It was very difficult, falling in love with Mattan and not knowing if I would have a legal relationship with him.”
Said Ruti: “We need to know that we are significant in the eyes of the law. On a psychological level, it’s incredibly important to us that our family is recognized. That we are both mothers in this family and no one will be able to take that away from us.”
They were joined in a religious commitment ceremony in California almost five years ago, some four years after they first met in Tel Aviv in 1990. Two years later they legally joined their property and in 1997 they combined their names.
Since Ruti is here on a Jewish education fellowship, the couple will stay in Jerusalem until next summer. Then they will return to the United States for five years so Ruti can work in the Jewish community. After that, where they make their home may very well depend on the court’s ruling. If the court rules in favor of Ruti and Nicole’s petition, it may set a precedent for other same-sex couples in Israel hoping to adopt.
Regardless of the outcome, Ruti thinks Israeli society is changing. She hopes that the Meretz bill recognizing same-sex adoption — which the party promises to table in the next Knesset — will pass before Naveh is older, so they won’t have to go through the same process.
“While the attitudes here are heterosexist and centered around couplehood and children, they are much less homophobic than in the States,” said Ruti. “I don’t think people are disgusted, it’s more that they think it’s forbidden. Once they get to know us, they just see two women raising kids together.”