EDITOR’S NOTE: Jewish Relationships, a column by Susan Blumberg and Joel Crohn, appears for the first time in today’s edition. Below is a composite letter. Future questions will come from local readers; they may be sent to the Bulletin, or e-mailed to [email protected].
Dear Marriage Docs:
My parents were both Holocaust survivors. They met in Hell — at Auschwitz when they were both 18 years old. Growing up, there was always a powerful taboo in our family that prevented us from mentioning anything about our parents’ past. Any reference to the Holocaust, and my mother would retreat to bed and my father would get very angry. I never challenged the rules — I felt my parents had suffered enough, and I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to get any answers to my questions about their lives.
My husband never experienced any suffering as a result of being Jewish and always complained about people who “dwelled on the past.” I always kind of resented it when he would say that, but I guess I was well trained in yielding to demands for silence.
My father was deeply affected by seeing the film “Shoah.” Against my mother’s wishes, he volunteered a year ago to be interviewed by Steven Spielberg’s Survivors of the Shoah Visual History Foundation, which has been collecting the memories of survivors.
Since the interview last year, my father has become obsessed with talking with his grandchildren — our children — about his experiences during the war. Sara is 18 and Jake is 19, about the same ages my parents were when they were in the camps. I think it’s good that our children are finally learning about the history that I was denied access to.
Sometimes I sit with Dad and the kids, hearing many of his stories for the first time along with my children. But I’m concerned that he’s going overboard, flooding the kids with too many traumatic memories. To make matters worse, my husband is angry with me and my parents, saying that we’re all wallowing in self-pity and stuck in the past. What can we do?
–Fighting the war again
Dear Warrior:
Your experience growing up in a household burdened with tense silences and surplus guilt is not at all unusual for children of survivors. People who have survived severe traumas of all kinds often adapt a strategy for emotional survival that involves trying to avoid any reminders of the trauma.
Kurt Lewin, in a classic article written in the early 1940s, warned of the cost of not preparing children to deal with painful realities. He advocated “inoculating” children against being emotionally overwhelmed by possible future encounters with anti-Semitism by gradually teaching them about the history of anti-Semitism.
The research of the late Judith Weinstein Klein demonstrated that a healthy Jewish identity requires being able to integrate both the burdens and blessings of being Jewish into a complex and strong sense of connection to Judaism. Clearly, children need both joyous and meaningful experiences connected to being Jewish in order to successfully integrate and accept the more difficult aspects of being Jewish.
We believe that a series of discussions focused on the issue can really help. We suggest that you first talk with your husband. Perhaps you could try to listen to his concerns, first, and then ask that he hear yours as well. Then you could try to have a similar talk with your father, your mother and your children.
Finally, you could all sit down together and talk about your concerns. While this may seem time-consuming, emotionally risky and difficult, this is really an opportunity to create deeper relationships between you and your husband, as well as your children and your parents. You might need some brief professional help with a family counselor to work through these issues, but you might be able to do it yourself. If at all possible, don’t fall victim to silence and confusion, missing out once again on this opportunity.