“I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”
This beautiful expression of commitment from Song of Songs, is for many Jewish couples the perfect way to say “I love you” every day — without uttering a word.
Called the Ani l’dodi in Hebrew, it adorns many a wedding band. For other couples, only an exquisite diamond ring will do. And for the majority, the solid gold wedding band remains, as it has through the ages, the ring of choice. Though choosing a wedding band is a matter of personal taste and preference, it is also a matter that Jewish tradition weighs in on. Most importantly, the ring must be one solid piece, with no stones of any kind, gaps or perforations. It should be purchased by the groom, or be a family heirloom from his side. As for Hebrew lettering, engraving or embossing — that’s a little open to interpretation.
For couples seeking advice, the guidelines concerning wedding bands are “an easy topic to broach,” says Rabbi Judah Dardik of Beth Jacob Congregation in Oakland. There are two aspects, explains the Orthodox rabbi.
The “unbroken circle is a beautiful concept,” he says. Under the Talmud, “our custom is not to use rings with any stones in them. The woman has to know exactly what she is getting, with no false pretense.” A stone that to the untrained eye may sparkle like a diamond might indeed be glass. And a suitor who would be so disingenuous as to try and fool his bride-to-be is nothing more than an imposter.
Whether etchings are permitted under Jewish law, “that’s more of a question,” says Dardik. An etching “takes out some of the metal. Does that make it difficult to evaluate the value [of the ring]?”
A “very fine” etching on the inside of the band would probably be OK, he says. But “it would be preferable not to have etchings.”
Orthodox Rabbi Jacob Traub says inscriptions and Hebrew letters are “OK,” and the ring “can be ornate, to a certain degree.”
Traub does share Dardik’s concern: “The main thing is no stones, because it’s important that the bride know exactly what it is she is getting.” In his years counseling engaged couples and officiating weddings at Adath Israel in San Francisco, Traub has found that for the “overwhelming majority” of couples, “the plain band I think is still your band of choice.”
Rabbi Yair Silverman of Berkeley Congregation Beth Israel would agree.
“People often ask me about it,” he says. “I think ultimately most people, in my experience, are attracted to the simplicity of a simple band.”
Traditionally, the wedding ring “should be something of readily apparent value, symbolizing that marriage should be based on openness and honesty.”
That being said, the Orthodox rabbi acknowledged that he would be “hard-pressed” to pronounce it “not acceptable” if a couple wanted a band with inlaid metals or gems, especially if this was something the woman was aware of and accepted.
Tiburon Rabbi Daniel Kohn of Conservative Congregation Kol Shofar says the ring is a “minor issue” that “is only for the wedding ceremony itself.”
Owners of Bay Area shops with a significant Jewish clientele say their selection of bands runs the gamut.
“Given the fact that we certainly live in an assimilated culture, Jews buy the full range of gold rings,” says Bill Caplan of Topper. His store in Burlingame carries a large range of finely made modern wedding bands, including ones with Hebrew lettering, though “religious Jews,” he says, “mainly use simple metal bands for the ceremony.”
In his family jewelry business since the 1960s, Caplan says styles have changed somewhat. “In the ’70s, there were a lot of very heavy, big pieces. Today, they’re more delicate, smoother.”
Ellen Bob of bob and bob in Palo Alto, says even married couples purchase bands with the Ani l’dodi, for a “special anniversary” as an affirmation of longstanding love.
“It’s sort of like a little intimate secret. It’s not obvious that it’s words, but it is something that you and your partner share in a special way.” Jewish couples who come to her store also favor another selection from Song of Songs, she adds: “This is my beloved, this is my friend.”
Afikomen’s wedding shop in Berkeley carries a selection of bands with Hebrew on them, but “these are not the most popular,” notes owner Jerry Derblich. “People seem to want a more traditional ring.” His best seller, in fact, is the narrow gold band.
“The Ani l’dodi are fairly wide,” he explains. There is, however, great variation among the seven to eight vendors he uses, which come from as close as Los Angeles to as far away as Israel.
The owners of Edelweiss Jewelers in Berkeley don’t go far for their Hebrew bands: Husband and wife Robert and Anne Flexer both make them.
Nearly 14 years ago, said Robert Flexer, “one customer came in and asked me to enlarge such a band. I started asking a lot of questions,” one thing led to another, and “I made one just to see…
“Now I have a whole collection.”
Anne Flexer began crafting them about four years ago. “People ask for different quotes from the Bible. Their names — his and hers,” she says of the commissions that come her way.
“They prefer Hebrew lettering; they don’t want something in English. It’s meaningless to them.”
Flexer believes she provides a needed service to the Jewish community.
“Outside of Hebrew letters, very few things, motifs, that you can use are typically Jewish. How many different kinds of rings can you make with the Star of David?”
Hebrew letters, on the other hand, “are so unique. Given that we don’t write the vowels, you can really pack in a lot of text.”
As for her favorite expression of love, the Ani l’dodi is “one of the best that I know of,” she says.