“Steven? How could that be? Not Steven!”
An emotional Rabbi Ari Cartun recalled his first thoughts after hearing the tragic news that led to his eulogy before a standing-room-only crowd of nearly 600 at Palo Alto’s Congregation Kol Emeth last Friday. Fourteen-year-old Steven Charles Wertheimer had committed suicide.
The Palo Alto High School freshman was, in Cartun’s words, “a great kid in every way.” He was intelligent, talkative, friendly, an athlete, a performer, a devoted friend and an involved student. That’s why the rabbi and all of Wertheimer’s other friends, family members, teammates and fellow students were completely jolted when they heard he took his own life Oct. 7, stepping in front of an oncoming train in Palo Alto near his high school.
“He was every parent, teacher, sibling or friend’s dream. That’s what I said in my eulogy, and I meant it,” said Cartun, still shaken a week after Wertheimer’s death.
Cartun, the spiritual leader of Palo Alto’s Congregation Etz Chayim, has known the Wertheimer family for years and instructed Steven prior to his bar mitzvah last year.
“He was a great kid and this is a total mystery. There’s no philosophizing anyone can do. All you can do is just be there with [loved ones] silently and hold them.”
Wertheimer’s teammates on the Palo Alto High School freshman football squad will wear his No. 83 on their uniforms in remembrance for the rest of the season. Also, from now on, every dramatic production staged at Jordan Middle School will utilize the cap Wertheimer wore last year when he played Albert J. Peterson (the Dick Van Dyke role) in “Bye Bye Birdie.”
Wertheimer’s case is, unfortunately, not as uncommon as one might think. According to 1999 statistics, suicide is the third-leading cause of death for Americans between ages 15 and 19, representing 12.7 percent of all fatalities. On average, an American kills him or herself every 18 minutes.
Rabbi Eric Weiss, executive director of the Bay Area Jewish Healing Center, said he believes the percentage of Jews who commit suicide is lower than the national average, but acknowledged this means very little to grieving families such as the Wertheimers.
“I think this is a case where statistics don’t matter. That’s poor consolation for anybody in a difficult situation…because their loved one is the world,” said Weiss.
“There’s a wonderful quote from the Talmud that says we don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are. That wisdom helps us understand how every person created in God’s unique image sees the world in their own way. When a loved one commits suicide, your world is harmed. And there’s no way to get around the pain of it.”
Traditional Jewish attitudes toward suicide are draconian: Prohibitions forbid funerals and require burials outside the cemetery fence.
“The escape clause for that is that anyone who is mentally unable to control themselves is deemed not responsible,” said Cartun.
“And so, depending upon the rabbi and the occasion, most rabbis treat most suicides as occasions where someone was not mentally competent and, therefore, not morally culpable.
“Then we mourn and bury them like anyone else.” Wertheimer’s sudden, violent and totally unexpected death left his friends wondering what they’d missed and if there was anything they could have possibly done.
“Ask anyone who is here today what the hell happened, and we will all tell you the same thing: We do not know why this happened. Some have asked me if people are just not revealing what happened to Steven that drove him to this. I have told them that the truth is that no one had or has a clue. Nobody. Not one. Zero,” Cartun said in his eulogy.
“We all wish we had had a clue. My God we wish we had had a clue! Then we might have been able to do something, say something, something.”
While Cartun and others attest that Wertheimer displayed no signs of internal struggle, many young people do. For those concerned about a young — or old — friend or relative, Weiss urges people to speak up.
“It’s never a mistake to talk about suicide with someone,” he said. “It’s always important to imitate God’s concern for the world and tell someone you care about them, you’re concerned for them and you’ll help get them what they need.”
National and Bay Area suicide hotlines, Web site
Suicide hotlines are in place throughout the country, staffed by crisis counselors 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Local hotlines include Alameda County, (510) 849-2212; Contra Costa County, (800) 833-2900; Marin County, (415) 499-1100; San Francisco County, (415) 781-0500; San Mateo County, (650) 692-6655; and Santa Clara County, (408) 279-3312.
For other regions, call the National Suicide Hopeline, (800) SUICIDE (784-2433), or check http://suicidehotlines.com