When you talk about romance and love and marriage and Judaism, one other word that inevitably comes up is beshert. Translated as “fated,” beshert, also spelled “bashert,” is often used to mean the predestined soulmate. Today we’ll take a look at this intriguing word.
According to tradition, 40 days before a child is conceived, God has already decided one’s beshert, literally, a match made in heaven. But as the Judaism 101 site — www.jewfaq.org/marriage.htm — points out, just because a match is made in heaven “doesn’t mean that your marriage will be trouble-free. Marriage, like everything worthwhile in life, requires dedication, effort and energy.”
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin goes one step further and says that even if your soulmate is predestined, you still have to make the move
yourself. His essay — www.ohrtorah.org.il/parsha/ 5758/besh.htm — quotes the Gemarah’s incredible statement that bringing two people together in marriage is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea (Sanhedrin 22a).
Riskin explains that God was prepared to split the Red Sea to save the Israelites, but the Israelites had to make the first move. “Comparing marriage to the splitting of the Red Sea is how the sages address the doubts and fears all couples face. The comparison tells the questioning and even fearful loving friends at the brink of a critical decision that they have to take the plunge, make the first move, be willing to work hard and to constantly move forward. Neither he nor she may sit back and wait for ‘bashert.'”
It seems as if Martin Bodek has done his share of searching and has some words for encouragement for anyone who is dating. In “How to Find Your Bashert,” www.angelfire.com/ny3/yaron2/
bashert.html Bodek uses some high-falootin’ calculations to prove how there are billions of people in the world who are wrong for you. But don’t despair, Mr. or Ms. Right is out there…if Bodek’s math is right.
But how do know if you’ve found your true beshert? An article on the RealOlam site — www.realolam.com/channels/
default.asp?channel=35&
articleid=1567 — suggests that you cannot really know who your beshert is. “But once you get married, the person you married is by definition your bashert, so you should not let concerns about finding your bashert discourage you from marrying someone.”
For more on beshert, see Moshe Handler’s “The Meaning of Basherte” — www.jewishinterest.com/May%20%2097%20Articles/Meaningbasherte.html
In Judaism, much importance is given to the halachot of lashon hara — the laws governing gossip and slander. But what are you to do if you are trying to seek or give information about a potential mate that may be quite negative? “Shmiras Haloshon and Shidduchim: A Delicate Balance” — www.shidduchim.com/
shmira.htm — examines this issue in detail and gives some guidelines about saying what must be said.
Here are a few suggestions you’ll find at this site:
*Think through your response carefully.
*Don’t exaggerate.
*Ensure that the information is transmitted in the least harmful way possible.
*And weigh the amount of harm your information is liable to cause against its benefit. The site emphasizes that even when negative information is given for the constructive purpose of a shidduch, it is not considered lashon hara.
As I mentioned above, marriages are beshert because
God is the matchmaker. The
Judaism 101 Web site — www.jewfaq.org/marriage.htm — quotes the following midrash: A Roman woman asked a rabbi, “If your God created the universe in six days, then what has He been doing with his time since then?” The rabbi responded, “God has been arranging marriages.”
The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female slaves and matched them up in marriages.
The next day, the slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the rabbi and said, “There is no god like your G-d, and your Torah is true.”