The aging process is both natural and inevitable, yet it creates change and sacrifice that can lead to great strife within a family. Everywhere you ask, the struggling adult children of aging parents are quick to express their emotional state in one word: overwhelmed.
Here in the Bay Area, stress relief is readily available through the S.F.-based Jewish Family and Children’s Services Seniors.At.Home division. The staff knows the demands, the frustrations and the importance of keeping an aging loved one as safe, comfortable, stimulated and independent as possible, according to care manager Craig Bruce.
The agency serves people of all religions and races in San Francisco, Marin and Sonoma counties, and the Peninsula, with fees on a sliding scale.
Bruce says that he and his colleagues have the expertise to size up a family’s needs; troubleshoot a crisis; sift through the information overload; mediate dissension; and design, implement and monitor an ongoing care plan.
“The adult children of aging parents come to us overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, depression, decisions and misinformation, and we really know the resources to cut down on their anxiety. We assess the family dynamic, walk them through the system, condense all the information for them,” he said.
Mike Mangini Jr., 49, moved back into his parents’ home in Terra Linda in 1999. During a weeklong visit he had seen that his mother, Betty, now 85, was declining, and that his ailing father, Mike Sr., now 91, was unable to deal with her alone.
“I offered to move back and expected my father to say he’d consider that possibility. I nearly dropped my fork at his instant response, ‘Yes, sure, great, how quickly can you come,'” Mangini said.
As his parents’ physical, cognitive and emotional impairments compounded, Mangini increased his involvement in their care. Attempts to hire qualified outside caregivers failed, and Mangini gradually closed down his own life, including a teaching job, to devote all his resources to his mother and father.
Losing his grip, he signed up for a JFCS-sponsored free support group called “You and Your Aging Parents.” Offered in San Rafael, the group was facilitated by Tina Cheplick.
“Tina was wonderful,” Mangini said. “I really saw value in the group. It was quite a relief to hear that I wasn’t isolated in my experience. Sharing the burden made it bearable for those two hours, and I would drive home relaxed.”
In one of the sessions, he learned about respite care and called JFCS to inquire.
“Cindy Navarro did the intake interview, and it became obvious to Cindy that my mother has dementia/ Alzheimer’s going on,” he said, adding that it was helpful to him to add that information to her mix of problems.
Furthermore, Navarro arranged for respite care so Mangini could get away for a weekend.
“My friends in Castro Valley were on vacation, so I stayed at their house. It may not sound like much, but I had Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning to myself. Thanks to Cindy, we were lucky enough to get a Romanian nurse capable of doing my dad’s blood sugar and everything else.”
Mickey Sherman, director of Seniors.At.Home, said although the mission of the agency is to keep frail seniors in their own homes whenever possible, the care managers also work with families whose loved ones are in health-care facilities.
“Home to us is a generic thing. With seniors, we serve them wherever they may be, whether it’s a group home, a nursing home, or an assisted living facility.”
Valerie Roberts, 54, was at wit’s end caring for her father, Dr. Lewis Roberts, 90, who is now in a skilled nursing facility in San Francisco. Besides overseeing her father’s many medical needs, Roberts had spun her wheels endlessly trying, for example, to balance his checkbook and sort through two years of his taxes. She said hiring Bruce as her care manager preserved her sanity.
“I was overwhelmed and had no family to help me. I had tried people who didn’t help, and I was cynical. Craig saved my life. He has a calming influence and I really appreciate his honesty. He taught me that my father’s outbursts were reactions from fear, and how to neutralize it and not take it personally.
“He helps me prioritize when I get too obsessed, helps me set goals and decide what’s important. When I’m angry about the waste and ineptitude [at the nursing home], he shows me tactful ways of holding their feet to the fire,” she added.
Roberts said that Bruce feels like family to her, and that her trust in him will allow her to return full time to her paralegal business and to plan a getaway.
“Craig is the sibling I never had. He can deal with anything. Now I can do trial work again. Now I know that if I can find the time for a vacation, I could leave. Even a week would be a blessing,” she said.