Father, it turns out, may not always know best. But author Armin Brott hopes to help him out with a timely tip or two.
He has built a cottage industry around fatherhood, having written numerous books and articles on the subject.
Now, with “Father for Life,” the Oakland native has published his magnum opus. The book examines fatherhood from the moment the home pregnancy test stick turns blue until that last grandchild clamors for a trip to Disneyland.
In between, Brott covers the many challenges of parenting, no matter what the kid’s age or the father’s grasp of child development.
From changing diapers to discussing sex to facing the dreaded empty nest, Brott hits on every conceivable topic, offering a wealth of useful advice and insight.
But of all the crucial tasks facing fathers, both old hands and new, Brott has no doubt as to the most important.
“No. 1,” he says, “a kid needs to learn how to be a mensch. You have no business learning obscure mitzvahs if you don’t know how to treat other people.”
Chalk that conviction up to Brott’s own Jewish upbringing, which inculcated in him a sense of both teaching and accepting responsibility.
That theme runs throughout “Father for Life,” a project that required several years of research, interviewing hundreds of dads, and drawing on personal experience (Brott has three kids, ages 13, 10 and 6 months).
The author contends his book is different from the rest. “Others had written about the various stages of parenting or how people develop over a lifetime. But nothing on fathers.”
Among his main conclusions: There is no one royal road to correct fathering. There are almost as many variations as there are dads. “The good-enough parent is an important concept,” says Brott. “Everyone has different circumstances. To say there’s only one way to raise kids is absurd.”
New fathers often seek out guidance (that first all-nighter with a screaming infant might have some new dads praying, dialing 911 or, perhaps, screaming back). And fathers of teens and grown children certainly don’t have all the answers; including how to deal with relationship problems.
Brott says the process never ends, nor does the deep bond between father and son. Only the challenges change.
“It’s not over when they move out and get married,” says Brott. “There’s always going to be development. Of course, once the kids are grown and being chased by collection agencies, do you pay off their bills?”
Good question. Because he is a father himself, the issues he raises matter as much to him as he hopes they will to readers. For Brott, both a son and a dad himself, the subject is anything but academic.
Brott grew up in Oakland, attending both Conservative Temple Beth Abraham and the Orthodox Beth Israel in Berkeley during his youth. “I’ve always been more of a cultural Jew,” he says, “but I loved reading Torah, commentary and going to classes over the years.”
Brott’s father was a lawyer and judge who, Brott feels, “never loved doing law.” Like so many fathers of that generation, providing for the family was job one. Running a close second was a strong sense of community involvement; the elder Brott served on various synagogue, pro-Israel and Federation committees.
“I remember sitting down with him and going through a shoebox full of charitable solicitations,” recalls Brott of his dad, “and figuring out which ones to give money to. Then he sat down and wrote the checks.”
Today, says the younger Brott, the two have “a great relationship, although there are plenty of father-child elements. Deep down inside, I do what so many guys do: try to get father’s approval.”
As for his relationship with his own children, the apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. Brott sends his two school-age daughters to Oakland Hebrew Day School and encourages them to give tzedakkah. “It makes them feel important,” he notes, “and it’s the right thing to do.” His middle daughter is already an active supporter of the World Wildlife Fund.
Aside from fathers making sure their kids turn out right, Brott contends that the kids do the same for their dads. He traces the arc of the self-centered young man who finally takes a wife and, once the kids arrive, realizes he’s part of a much bigger world.
“Now you’re worried cloth diapers versus disposable,” he points out. “You think about landfill, water quality. You take on a larger role, which could be anything from writing op-ed letters to coaching the kids’ softball team. At every stage, one could look back and say, ‘If I hadn’t had kids I wouldn’t be living in this neighborhood for the schools, or taken this job.'”
Starting over at age 45 with a new wife and baby, Brott finds life is even more interesting. And while the joy of parenting remains undiminished for him, it’s different now.
“When I look at [my baby], I have an awareness of mortality. You don’t think of your age in terms of years you’ve lived, but in terms of how much time you have left.”
“Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and
Change” by Armin Brott
(304 pages, Abbeville Press
Inc., $24.95)