Lena Snowden is looking for love.
At 77, she’s determined and refuses to wait for it to find her.
Like many seniors, Snowden of Torrance in Southern California sought social groups to link with other men and women, thrust into dating and the single life again after 65.
She joined several and now dances, dines and dates within groups of seniors.
It’s worked for friends. They’ve found soul mates after being widowed or divorced.
“Why not?” asks Snowden.
Dating in middle- to older age is no longer fodder for synagogue gossip, relationship experts say. Older adults are living more active lives, which includes forging new and meaningful relationships later in life, said Dennis Myers, a Baylor University professor of social work in gerontology.
And while some adults are looking to get married again, others just want the companionship that a relationship provides, he said.
“There’s a whole internal adjustment process of thinking about getting involved in another relationship,” he said. “Many men or women were oriented in a ‘one person for life’ philosophy. But there’s that need [for companionship] and the loneliness can be pervasive.”
Although different kinds of challenges present themselves, relationship expert Jill Spiegel said dating at a later age is, in some cases, easier than it was when people were younger.
“Falling in love is amazing at any time, at any age,” said Spiegel, a Minnesota-based expert on flirting and author of the book “Flirting for Success” (Warner Books, $11.95).
“Finding someone who really makes you tick at 60 can be just as exciting as it is at 20,” she observed. “The nice thing about dating when you’re older is that the games are not at the intensity level like they are when you’re younger. People are more direct, they know what they want and they mainly want to enjoy life with someone else.”
Snowden’s newlywed friends John and Letty Petersen of Manhattan Beach in Orange County met at weekly senior dances and classes. The couple married recently and meet friends regularly at a senior center for Saturday-night dances.
“It’s tough,” said John Petersen, 80, a widower. “All your life you’ve been married and all of a sudden you’re alone and you can have a house and kids and it’s just not the same. The guys are bashful and the girls are, too.”
Letty Petersen, 70, joined a line dancing group after her children encouraged her to start dating again.
“As a widow, I thought my life was pretty full, but my children were on me, saying, ‘Get out there again Mom.'”
Seniors and organizers of more than a dozen senior centers, retirement clubs and senior recreational groups say the majority of participants are women. Daily programs include meals, seminars, trips, card games, bingo, financial counseling, dancing classes, potlucks and dinner outings.
The “rules” don’t change when you’re dating after 65, but there are a few different issues.
Seniors are the first to admit they’re set in their ways. By now they know what works and what they want. Some are retired, some are still working and few are willing to give up a certain degree of independence newly discovered or as comfortable as an old habit. Combining finances and taking care of someone after losing your spouse to cancer or another disease is the most daunting.
“So many people on the hill live alone and it’s such an affluent area,” said Karen Goularte, director of the Peninsula Senior Center in Rolling Hills Estates in Palos Verdes. “A lot of them are afraid that by marrying again they’re going to mix the money and then with [extended] families how do you begin to say ‘Well this was mine and that …?'”
Dating doesn’t seem to be as high a priority as companionship, Goularte said. “Here it’s mostly widows meeting widows.
“But we do get calls,” she said. “I answered the phone the other day and a woman asked, ‘How many single men do you have there?’
“We do track single men and single women. But some women might come to the center without their husbands. You know, the men say, ‘I’m not old.’ So it’s not a true number. I told the caller, ‘I do know we happen to have 141 men,’ and she said ‘Oh that’s not enough.'”
The center’s volunteers call seniors each month and wish them happy birthday. Sometimes the stranger’s voice is the only one they’ll hear all day because they don’t leave their homes or have visitors.
“They want someone to touch. They want someone to share the good times with and maybe the bad times too. I spend so much time hugging people here,” Goularte said.