The 13 songs on the new Jewish novelty CD “Kosher Christmas Carols” sound exactly like the cruel and unusual email parodies that bombard our inboxes this time of year.
Nine out of 10 of us detest these kitschy songs and the 10th guy is probably the one who sent it.
This is less an indictment of “Kosher Christmas Carols” specifically (though, in this case, the glove does fit and I must not acquit), but the entire genre of “Jewish novelty albums” in general. In short, there have been about as many good Jewish novelty tunes as quality Adam Sandler movies, with an even more putrid success-to-failure rate.
On “Kosher Christmas Carols,” the lyrics are, at times, clever, the singing isn’t at all bad and the musical arrangements are halfway decent — if you can overlook the fact that all the music is coming from one dude banging on a synthesizer.
But that hardly matters. When the engine is shot, it barely makes a difference how good the tires are. This is a bum genre and no amount of talent within it can do a thing about that; Alfred Hitchcock couldn’t save a wrestling movie, Ernest Hemingway couldn’t turn around a romance novel emblazoned with Fabio on the cover and even Beethoven or Jimi Hendrix couldn’t save a “Hallelujah” knockoff titled “We Will Sue Ya.'”
Other tunes include “Dizzy Spells” (to the tune of “Jingle Bells”), “Eight Nights of Chanukah” and “Goys Rule The World” (“or so they say, and yet, they buy, re-TAILLLLL!”).
There’s also a facsimile of “Greensleeves” called “Greenstein,” despite the fact that Allan Sherman put out his own “Greensleeves” parody, “Sir Greenbaum’s Madrigal,” back in the Neolithic era.
While several of the songs on “Kosher” aren’t half bad and could conceivably not trigger thoughts of a murderous vendetta if beamed into one’s inbox, more than a few are just bloody awful.
Nasal singing meant to mimic the voices of your more-annoying female Jewish relatives succeeds all too well. Multiple musical numbers about Jewish deli food, Chinese restaurants, litigious behavior or all of the above grow maddening, and induce a desire to sue the makers of this record while eating a corned beef-and-wonton sandwich. Novelty tunes never age well, and these wither and die while you’re listening to them.
Like most purveyors of kosher fare, the makers of this record were generous with their portions, but 13 songs is simply too many. And nobody wants a doggy bag to take the leftovers home.
My notes for this album are littered with “had to skip,” “couldn’t finish” and “oy.” When I figured it was only fair to listen to the album for a second time, I was rapidly forced to pop it out and listen to The Talking Heads instead. And they were fantastic!
“Kosher Christmas Carols” (Silly Music, $13.95).