The image of the Jewish mother in American popular culture is the larger-than-life stereotype immortalized by Jewish moviemakers and authors such as Woody Allen and Philip Roth. But it’s no joking matter when that mother moves in with you, especially if she needs time-consuming and financially draining care.
The Commonwealth Club of California took a look last month at this issue from the sobering perspectives of three geriatric professionals.
The panel — geriatric care manager Michele Boudinot; Linda Fodrini-Johnson, the founder of Eldercare Services; and gerontologist Esther Koch — offered emotionally compelling advice about the life-changing realities of moving an elderly parent home.
Kicking off “Mom Is Moving In,” Boudinot spoke about the transition of moving her own mother into her house six years ago.
After living alone for decades, Boudinot married for the first time at 46, and shortly thereafter her mother moved in with her and her new husband for financial reasons. Being a geriatric professional made the transition easier for her, but it was still a difficult adjustment.
Her advice to those bringing an elderly parent into their home: Be clear about your expectations.
“Always make time for yourself. Communicate, compromise and don’t sweat the small stuff. And make sure that everyone has a way to contribute to the household,” Boudinot said.
She warns caregivers to never think of their parents as kids, but rather to find ways to show they’re still parents.
Koch’s story was more painful than Boudinot’s. She is an only child, and the burden of taking care of her terminally sick 86-year-old mother fell on her shoulders. She took her mother from her assisted-living facility to die at home. Because she suffered with leukemia, fractured bones, dementia and incontinence, Koch needed to provide constant care for her. Despite being a professional, she said, caring for her mother was incredibly stressful.
“Caregiver stress is real, and there is no place to hide in your own home,” she said.
But despite the trauma and demands of caring for a dying parent, Koch was committed to keeping her mother’s spirits high. She dressed her in a silk gown and lipstick, played Hawaiian music and hired hula dancers. She arranged visitors for her mother, made a big deal of holidays and listened to a radio jazz show with her every night.
Despite the depressing situation and her mother’s deteriorating health, she had positive and uplifting things to say about the experience.
“People think of elder care in negative terms and miss the moments of joy in the smallest, simplest, most unassuming moments,” she said.
Emotional, cultural and financial pressures lead people to believe that they have no other choice than to move a parent into the home. That isn’t so, says Fodrini-Johnson, whose octogenarian mother is still vital and independent.
“People don’t realize that there are a hundred different options for keeping someone independent and meeting their needs. Before you make a decision about having a parent move in with you, ask yourself if you’ve looked at all the options.”
She added that a parent’s resistance to moving in is often a huge hurdle. She suggested telling “therapeutic fiblets” to get a parent evaluated by a professional.
“Tell your parent you met someone who knows about all the free benefits available to them, and invite them over to discuss them with your parent.”