Less than three weeks until Chanukah and I’m facing my annual dilemma — how to make the holiday less materialistic and more meaningful. Turns out I’m not the only one wondering about this.
“Parents want to get away from eight nights/eight presents,” says Vicky Kelman, director of the Jewish Family Education Project at the Bureau of Jewish Education. “It’s not about money, it’s about the kind of family they want to have and what they want Chanukah to mean.”
Consider what Mattathias, father of the Maccabees, “gave” his kids on that first Chanukah: courage, resilience, pride, hope, an unwavering sense of identity and a fierce commitment to their community.
A daunting list, and kind of hard to gift-wrap.
So I turned to other Jewish parents and professionals who work with kids and families for ideas about how to make Chanukah an occasion for sharing ideals and ethics that will last kids a lifetime. These suggestions aren’t meant to eliminate conventional presents altogether, but to lower the cost and increase the value of Chanukah.
Your presence, not presents
“The greatest gift parents can give is themselves,” says Kelman. Spend the nights of Chanukah watching old home movies together, making cookies or sufganiot, stargazing or going for walks, she suggests. Tell your kids stories about your own childhood and the family’s history.
San Francisco residents Craig and Jackie Shelton-Miller and their children, 6-year-old Aaron and 3-year-old Joshua, exchange “Chanukah hugs” instead of presents on one of the nights.
Whatever you do, aim for what Betsey Taylor, author of “What Kids Really Want that Money Can’t Buy,” calls “authentic, focused, sincere togetherness.”
Jewish knowledge
Rabbi Gedalia Potash, director of Chabad of Noe Valley in San Francisco and father of six, recommends building your child’s knowledge with gifts that teach about Jewish history, customs and traditions, such as Jewish games or books.
Games offer the added bonus of bringing the family together. Torah Slides and Ladders is a good pick for preschoolers, and Alef-Bet Bingo is fun for young readers. Apples to Apples Jewish Edition and Quick Shtick challenge kids 9 and older.
Generosity
If your kids like crafts, give them materials they can use to make gifts for others. Juliette Hirt of San Francisco says her children, Miriam, 8, and Eli, 7, love to finger-knit, so on one of the nights, she’ll give them colorful yarn that they can turn into scarves for the homeless.
Instead of exchanging gifts, have a “tzedakah night.” The Shelton-Millers count the money they’ve saved during the year and decide together which organization will receive it.
Gratitude
“The whole idea of Chanukah is really about giving thanks to God because we were saved,” says Sara Hecht, co-director of the Richmond Torah Center in San Francisco, mother of 12 and grandmother of two. “Gratitude is truly one of the greatest gifts we can bequeath our children.”
To help children develop an attitude of gratitude, Hecht suggests adapting the dreidel game so that instead of getting gelt, players write on blank slips of paper the things they’re grateful for and why. Or have players answer questions like “Your new garment shrunk in the wash. How can you be grateful?” or “What are you grateful for in the morning?”
Jewish pride
It’s important for kids to feel “ownership” of Jewish tradition, Kelman says. Chanukah offers numerous opportunities to put kids in charge.
“Whatever you can let your children do, however young they are, it helps them feel connected,” says Jackie Shelton, adding that Aaron is proud because he is allowed to light the candles himself.
Older kids can take on bigger responsibilities, such as leading the family in singing “Maoz Tzur,” helping to make latkes or telling the Chanukah story to younger siblings.
Downtime
Unstructured leisure time is critical for children’s healthy emotional development. “Among parents, there’s tremendous interest in enrichment,” says John Gusman, clinical director at the Marin branch of the S.F.-based Jewish Family and Children’s Services. “But kids needs time for rest and regeneration.”
With Chanukah falling this year during school vacation, it’s the ideal time to give your kids a chance to simply “chill.”
Self-confidence
At Chanukah and year-round, children need to know you love them unconditionally. “When you communicate an unrelenting deep belief in your child, you help them overcome fear and self-doubt,” says Mark L. Brenner, a Southern California-based family therapist and founder of the Parent Fitness Training workshop.
Try putting a new spin on the dreidel game and play for compliments rather than gelt. Gimmel and hay could mean “get a compliment,” for example, and shin and nun, “give a compliment.” The person who gives the most compliments wins.
Connection to the community
Invite friends over for a potluck dinner or attend a Chanukah party at your local Jewish community center. Or bring the holiday to people who can’t get out to celebrate. Potash takes his children to visit Jews living in senior housing facilities, a tradition he remembers from his own childhood.
“Part of educating a Jewish child is to help them realize that everything they do can be imbued with the meaning and beauty of Judaism,” he says.
Marinell James is a freelance writer living in San Francisco, and is working on a guide for “new and improved” Jews. She blogs at www.yourjewishlifecoach.com.