Ladies, this one’s for you. At a time when the “Real Housewives of [insert your favorite city or county here]” have infiltrated our TiVos, it seems appropriate to delve into what I consider to be our equivalent: the Jewish princess.
The Urban Dictionary defines the term “Jewish princess” as “a woman of Jewish faith and/or descent who displays at least two of the following criteria: viciousness, greed, arrogance, vanity, social dominance, inability to do minor tasks (cooking, cleaning, laundry), fragility or dishonesty.”
OK, that’s offensive. Not to mention anti-feminist and antiquated. Just lifting that description from the dictionary’s Web site made me cringe. I thought there would be absolutely no way to take that pejorative characterization and spin it into something positive.
Turns out, I was wrong. British authors Tracey Fine and Georgie Tarn have co-written “The Jewish Princess Guide to Fabulosity” and “The Jewish Princess Feast and Festivals,” which are campy and colorful, and full of advice on how to embrace your inner JP (Jewish princess).
“From when you wake up in the morning until your head hits your Princess Pillow, your day can be filled with fantastic, fabulous feelings,” the Jewish duo writes. “It is just a matter of opening your eyes and taking on the day in a Positive, Productive and Princess-like way.”
Their first book, “The Jewish Princess Feasts and Festivals,” is full of recipes categorized by holidays and celebrations. Kitschy descriptions introduce each section, such as “Sukkot: The Jewish Princess Goes Camping” and “The Wedding: The Princess and the Prince.”
I was instantly drawn to the selections for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, mostly because many of them called for “golden syrup” (the British version of maple), “heaped-packed cups of brown sugar” and ground ginger, cinnamon and apple pie spice.
The JP honey cake caught my eye, and I decided to enter uncharted territory (my kitchen) and bake the dessert. (It should be noted that the closest I ever get to cooking is watching “Top Chef.”)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Going by the Urban Dictionary definition, writing a cookbook for the Jewish princess seems quite antithetical. But that’s where Fine and Tarn see things differently. A Jewish princess should not fear the kitchen. But she should be wary of CCD: Compulsive Catering Disorder.
“To recognize the symptoms and deal with CCD, one must only look at ‘learned behavior’ (inherited from our Queen moms) to know that it is perfectly normal to panic when your refrigerator isn’t full and your cupboards aren’t brimming over,” Fine and Tarn write. “So when it comes to High Holy Days, isn’t it reasonable to expect this genetic behavior to reach new heights?”
For me, not exactly. If I have the spare cash to eat out or order in, I’m all for it. However, in an attempt to embrace my inner JP — the one Fine and Tarn have devoted pages and pages to — I notched my oven to 350 degrees and got to work on the cake.
The recipe called for a slew of ingredients that — surprise! — I didn’t have in my cabinets. I turned off the oven, raced to two corner markets before they closed and picked up what I was missing: molasses, brown sugar, ground ginger, corn oil, maple syrup and a lemon. I know, embarrassing.
Back at home, I switched the oven back on, combined all of the ingredients in a big bowl and whisked the mixture until my hand started cramping. I poured the smooth batter into a cake pan, popped it in the oven and forgot about it for 50 minutes. Who knew baking could be so easy!
The end result was a moist and rich dessert that won rave reviews from my colleagues. I believe the words “incredible” and “ridiculous” were said with great enthusiasm in between bites.
It was a great moment for me, but I still have a long way to go. For example, I left my dirty dishes in the sink, hoping someone else would come along and clean them. I’ll get to them tonight.