A meaty story
As Morris lies in his bed, contemplating his impending death, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite food — brisket — wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifts himself from the bed and slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, leaning against the wall every step of the way.
With even greater effort, he goes downstairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he finally makes it to the kitchen. There, on the kitchen table, is the biggest roast brisket he has ever seen.
He thinks: Am I already in heaven? Or is this one final act of love from his devoted wife, Bessie, of 65 years, allowing him to leave this world a happy man?
With one great final effort, he throws himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he can practically taste the wondrous, succulent meat as he moves in. But as he reaches for the carving knife that’s next to the platter, his hand is suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Don’t touch that! “ she shouts. “That’s for the shiva!”
How to increase sales
One day, Milton puts up a notice in his deli’s window. It says: “Special offer for limited time only: Single jar of kosher dill pickles for $2.50. Or buy our ‘Such a deal pack’ of three jars for $7.99.”
Almost at once, customers start coming to Milton, proclaiming something along the lines of: “Oy Milton. You think I’m a shmo? I should buy your three-pack for $7.99 when I can buy them separately for only $2.50 each? I’m not yet that meshugga. So please wrap me up three separate jars of the pickles.”
Before his notice went up, Morris hardly ever sold more than one jar of pickles at a time, but now he was doing a roaring trade in threes. Talk about savvy marketing!
© david minkoff
Please help
Judith is single and is very lonely. So she decides to place the following advertisement in the Jewish weekly:
“Husband wanted. Please reply to box number 456.”
By the end of the week, she has received 8,000 replies, mostly along the lines of: “You can have mine, and I’m not joking.”
© david minkoff