A rabbi hears a confession
A priest in a small town was called away for an emergency one afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say or do.
The priest told him to come over and he’d show him, so the rabbi came over and went into a confessional with the priest to learn the ropes.
A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do?”
The woman said, “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the donation box, go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Man: “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Man: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more.”
The rabbi told the priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the priest left.
A few minutes later another woman entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi: “What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?”
Woman: “Once.”
Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”
From Russia with trepidation
Isaak Maizel is being interrogated by the Russian government.
Politburo official: “If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?”
Isaak: “Give it to Mother Russia.”
Official: “And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?”
Isaak: “Give it to Mother Russia.”
Official: “And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?”
No reply.
The official asks the question again.
Still no reply.
Finally he shouts: “Isaak! Why don’t you reply?”
Isaak: “Because I have a sweater.” n
The provider
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiancé into his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she certainly deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “And God will provide for us.”
“And the children?” asks the father. “How will you support the children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.
Later that evening the mother asks, “So, how did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job, no money, no plans — but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”