Our 61⁄2-year-old son just started having significant anxiety at bedtime, requiringme or my husband to stay with him until he falls asleep (not easy since we also have to put our 3-year-old to bed at the same time). It used to be that when he was anxious about the dark at bedtime, our cat would sleep in his room and that would soothe him. But he says the cat no longer works. When we sit with him, he falls asleep very quickly, so it hasn’t been an impossible ordeal. But for two nights in a row now, he’s been waking up in the middle of the night and demanding, almost hysterically, that we sleep in his room all night. He says he’s afraid that worms will come out of his nose, something he saw on “Clone Wars” (his favorite TV show). For now, how do we deal with this at bedtime and in the middle of the night? And long term, what should be our TV policy? There might be World War III if we take away “Clone Wars.” Maybe we should anyway. But more importantly, should we be dramatically changing our threshold for what constitutes suitable screen time? L.P., East Bay
Dear L.P.: Scary TV programs. Boys do love them, but they also get freaked out by them. So what are parents to do?
At night:
Your son needs you when he is this frightened. I recommend that you sleep in his room for a few nights to relieve his fear. It should take four or five nights to get him back to sleeping until morning. Knowing that you’ll be in his room all night will also help him fall asleep more easily at bedtime.
Right now, he is afraid to let himself fall asleep, worrying he’ll have nightmares about the worms (and other scary things). After the night-waking stops, praise him for his victory. Make a “certificate of accomplishment” for “winning the war against the scary worms from TV.” (Buy a gold-lettered one in a stationery store, or download from the Internet.) Assure him that you’ll come to him if he needs you in the middle of the night. Leave your camping mattress in his room for a while — a visual reminder that you’ll be there when he’s scared.
Daytime:
It’s important to help your son get the frightening images out of his system first. Even though he may be reluctant because “it’s too scary,” get him to draw the worms. Then suggest he cross them out with a thick black marker or tear up the picture. Let him make Play-Doh worms, then bash them with his fist or stomp on them.
Also, ask your pediatrician to call him or send him a letter on office stationary saying there is no such thing as worms coming out of kids’ noses.
Back to the source:
Oy! There are so many programs for young kids, especially boys, that are way too scary! It’s also common that a child happily watches a program for months and, suddenly, a scene terrifies him.
As he matures, he becomes more aware of things that are truly frightening in the real world. Thus, scary TV scenes trigger fears, as if out of the blue. Remember that the things he is afraid of (worms in his nose, ghosts, etc.) are not real — but the fear itself certainly is!
I am not well versed in the “Clones” and their wars, but clearly, your son is showing you how much they scare him. Is he going to renounce watching the program? Probably not. Should you banish it from the house? Probably … at least for a while.
However, given the “threat of WWIII,” I understand your reluctance. If you are not going to ban the show, you should watch it with him. Better yet, DVR it and preview it. Let him know in advance if there will be a scary scene and be ready to fast-forward past it.
However, playing out scenes and characters from the program with toy figures and dress-up is very valuable. It’ll help your son conquer the scary images, develop his imagination and his ability to channel his own aggression into pretend play, and build his emotional vocabulary.
Now get some sleep!
Rachel Biale, MSW, is a Berkeley-based parenting consultant who has been working with parents of very young children for more than 25 years. Send questions through her Facebook page: Parenting Counseling by Rachel Biale or via [email protected].