Dr. Sharon Ufberg and her three children offer advice about family, love and life. Send your questions to [email protected].
I’m 25 and a bit overweight, something my mom never fails to tell me every time I see her. When I left for college I thought I would be free of her judgment, but it’s still there. I shy away from bringing boyfriends or friends to meet her because I know she’ll make a snide comment about my weight in front of them. It’s mortifying and makes me feel awful. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food because of my mother and resent the damage she’s caused. I feel badly about myself and about my mom, though I still want to have a relationship with her. What can I do? J.D., San Francisco
Alexis: It’s hard to imagine women making other women feel badly about their worth and beauty in this way, and I’m deeply sorry about your mom’s behavior. I believe your mother’s attitude is simply an expression of her own insecurities — which have unfortunately found an outlet with you. Your true beauty is in your spirit and your resilience. When you learn that your body is not simply something to control, but something to live in, listen to and treasure, I think you’ll be strong enough to have a relationship with your mother that doesn’t diminish your sense of self or well-being.
Have you ever told your mom directly to stop making her demeaning and demoralizing comments? If that hasn’t worked, I’d be clear with her that your goal is to feel comfortable in your own skin and celebrate your beauty, no matter what shape or size, and she should plan to do the same. Regardless of her reaction, you can preserve the parts of your relationship that you value by avoiding the topic as much as possible, and gaining your own inner strength — this will shield you from harm.
Sharon: From a mother’s perspective, I find it difficult to believe that your mom’s intentions are not honorable. She must want the best for you — she wants you to succeed and sail through life as effortlessly as possible, and unfortunately she associates that with being thin. This perspective is her problem, not yours, and the sooner you put the kibosh on her comments and insist she stops, the sooner you can begin to have an adult relationship with her. No one wants to be belittled or ridiculed, especially by their mother.
Jessica: What happened to the tried-and-true rule “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” We should all try a bit harder to live by this rule. Maybe your mom needs to be reminded of it. She obviously believes that she still has the ability to influence you to lose weight, when we all know that only you hold the power to make the changes you want to your own body. I think it is fair to let her know that her actions are causing you to distance yourself from her. I’m sure she won’t want that and will be motivated to change her behavior.
Saul: This is so far out of my comfort zone I can hardly reply. What I can say is that whether a person struggles with being too thin or too fat, too shy or too know-it-all, no one wants people to make mean comments about them. Family members should be the people we turn to for unconditional love and support, not criticism.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg is a Napa-based radio host, journalist, consultant and integrative health practitioner. Her daughters live in San Francisco: Lawyer-turned-writer Alexis Sclamberg, 28 and married; and hair colorist Jessica Sclamberg, 26 and single. Saul Sclamberg, 24 and single, studies chiropractic in Los Angeles. Read more at http://r-2-cents.com.