In the near future, you may be invited to bar mitzvah parties promising S&M.
The label, of course, connotes Singing & “Macarena.” It’s part of a wide-scale ratings system for Jewish life now being devised by American Jewish leaders.
Borrowing a chapter from the motion picture and television industries, communal leaders are finalizing the top-secret project that has been fraught with controversy, designed to spark renewed interest in communal activities and promote truth-in-advertising.
“Think how synagogue attendance will increase if congregants know in advance that the rabbi’s sermon on Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel is going to be rated R, for references to sex and violence,” asserted a gleeful Jack Valenti, the Hollywood ratings guru who is serving as a consultant to the Jewish groups.
“And what about bat mitzvahs featuring T&A?” — Themes & Artists — he crowed.
Noting that marketing studies have found the public to appreciate candor, Valenti insisted that Jewish organizations will now turn over a new leaf and become more frank. Take the case of recommendations for annual lectures sponsored by Jewish federations:
“Caution — Contents have been found to contain excessive references to RP and JC, Religious Pluralism and Jewish Continuity, and therefore not for the squeamish”.
There are other planned ratings:
Synagogue sisterhood or brotherhood meetings: Shul-75 (must be over 75 to attend).
Synagogue board meetings: AL (Adult Language), MV (Mild Violence).
Peace Now-sponsored trip to Israel: AC/DC, highlighting programs featuring Arab Cooperation and Dialogue and Communication. Zionist Organization of America-sponsored trip to Israel: SC & GV, Settlers’ Concerns and Golan View.
Jewish organizations’ press releases: BOOH, Blowing One’s Own Horn.
Commentary magazine: NCBC, Neo-Conservative Beyond Podhoretz.
Tikkun magazine: LLLL, Liberal-Leaning Leftist Lerner.
The ultrareligious Brooklyn newspaper the Jewish Press: PG, Partially Grammatical; BL, Brief Lucidity; and FFC, Full Frontal Crudity.
Valenti acknowledged that a particularly contentious topic is the rating of rabbis’ sermons. Some are calling for the ratings to be based on content, so that, for example, a sermon entitled “David and Jonathan: Just Friends?” would be classified as HERESY (HEaRd Eagerly in SYnagogue).
Others would prefer to have sermons rated by length and style of delivery, so that a long-winded analysis of the measurements for the Tabernacle in Leviticus would be rated ZZZZZ.
Several Reform rabbis hope to include the category OB, for Orthodox Bashing, in describing their sermons. But Orthodox rabbis threatened to counter with a classification of WTG, Worse Than Goyim, for their more liberal colleagues.
Conservative rabbis are split, so a final decision has been postponed until after next week’s annual interdenominational “We Are One” joint service.
Also postponed will be the proposal to begin labeling all Jews for purposes of marriage from OK, Orthodox Kosher, to PG, Patrilineally Glatt.
The Jewish groups are said to be keen on the idea as a way of allowing people to easily measure each other’s JQ, or Jewish Quotient. But Valenti warned that such a practice is superficial and divisive. He recommends using simplified labels so that most Jews would be PG-13, for anyone who has had bar or bat mitzvah lessons, classifying them as Post-Graduates over the age of 13, and a very few would receive an X rating, meaning they had been Excommunicated.
Also under discussion is the proposal of placing an OV-chip, or electronic device, inside every Jewish home’s front-door mezuzah. This Oy Vey chip would monitor and block out every transgression committed inside the home, and is said to be quite popular with secular and liberal Jews; the Orthodox, however, are insisting on immersing the chip, mezuzah and entire home in a mikveh and declaring them purified.