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To eliminate pitfalls, the first matter on the wedding agenda is for the couple to agree on handling potentially sticky wickets.

Some helpful reference books include Emily Post's "Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette" (Harper & Row) and the classic "You and Your Wedding" by Winifred Gray (Bantam).

Bride's and Modern Bride magazines have frequent articles with tips on revisiting the altar.

In those sources, suggestions include letting the children be the first people to know about the wedding. They will be justifiably concerned about getting their fair share of affection and attention with a new husband or wife in the picture.

They also will want to be assured that a future spouse will not take the place of a real parent. It should be emphasized that the marriage will be an entirely new and different arrangement.

The children should hear the news in a non-confrontational manner that leaves room for their reactions. The announcement should be made in private, accompanied by some kind of celebration that enhances their importance.

Every effort should be made to include children in the marriage planning. They should be consulted about clothes, flowers, food and decorations. This will validate their sense of importance and muster family support for the event.

It's appropriate to announce the engagement to family and friends in the same way it was announced for the first marriage. The divorce of both spouses should be final before engagement rings are worn and the wedding is announced.

Many couples tend to choose a less formal approach for second ceremonies, doing much of the inviting by telephone or mail, particularly if fewer than 50 guests are desired.

If ex-spouses or in-laws from previous marriages are invited, they should be introduced as friends, or, when appropriate, parents, grandparents or aunts and uncles of one's children rather than "exes."

Friends may want to throw an engagement party or shower. Gifts are acceptable though certainly not required. It is a good idea to register at a favorite store, but it's not advisable to register for china, glassware and silver.

The groom-elect or bride-to-be may suggest that friends go in on a special piece of furniture or sports equipment. They also could give season tickets to the theater or symphony, museum memberships or weekend getaways.

If a religious ceremony is planned, the marriage ought to be reviewed with a rabbi well in advance. That will ensure that the marriage requirements of the faith are met, including proper dispensation to remarry.

Many couples treat second weddings with more pizzazz and less tradition than their first. Having done things by the book and often under the family thumb and social pressure the first time, a more casual or unique event may well be a merry relief.

There are no formal limits on the size of a second wedding. A small gathering is more intimate and less expensive. On the other hand, the event may provide the perfect opportunity for throwing a big bash.

It's also appropriate, though not necessary, to have attendants for a second wedding.

Children old enough to participate should be included as honor attendants of any variety — flower girls, ring bearers or readers.

Couples can come down the aisle together. A bride's father can certainly escort her again. Or the bride's or groom's children can perform the honor. One usher should be enlisted for every 50 guests.

There are no formal restrictions on wedding garb. For the bride, white or ivory, representing celebration, can be worn again, but without the veil and train, which symbolize virginity.

A pastel frock, a softly tailored suit, a zany and extravagant evening gown — all these may express what is most special about the new relationship, rather than what is expected of the bride by others.

Same goes for the groom who might wear anything from a new sportscoat to tux and tails.

Instead of throwing the bouquet and garter, some second-time couples hand them to their most likely single friends with best wishes.

The honeymoon spot should be selected with the intention of avoiding hurtful lapses down memory lane.

Couples with children, should make the trip brief, or plan on including them in the event after just a few days alone. This is a warm way to welcome and enjoy the new, enlarged family.