Hear about Yiddish Elvis, minyan clones, space shaliach

Humor is a necessary component of Jewish life, and satire goes right along with it.

Given that we're now about to celebrate Purim — perhaps the most raucous of Jewish holidays — I've decided that it's an appropriate time to look at some mock news items.

Unfortunately, some of them may contain jarring elements of reality, but try to have fun with them anyway.

Deep Blue Reassigned

JERUSALEM — Fresh from its defeat of Grand Chess Master Gary Kasparov, IBM's Deep Blue SuperComputer will be brought out of retirement, renamed Deep Blue and White and reprogrammed to analyze the Middle East Peace Process, at a rate of 200 million permutations per second. Its goal will be to devise permanent solutions which have so far continued to elude Israel, the Palestinian Authority and Arab neighbors, as well as to solve the so–called "Who is A Jew?" conundrum.

As part of a deal struck with the government coalition, the SuperComputer will shut down three times daily and entirely on Shabbat and all holidays, have Wednesday and Friday afternoons off and receive a three–week annual vacation in Europe. Deep Blue and White has also been programmed to randomly threaten to leave the coalition and go on strike for indeterminate periods of time.

New Cloning Application

SCOTLAND — Scientists who have mastered the practice of cloning sheep recently announced that they have succeeded in cloning an instant minyan of 10 Jewish males, which could be called upon in any situation required. This event was hailed by Jewish organizations worldwide as the answer to their concerns about intermarriage and assimilation.

The only glitch appears to be that none of the cloned men is the least bit interested in assuming a leadership role, preferring only to bleat "amen."

New Mission for Mars Explorer

HOUSTON — NASA and the United Jewish Appeal have announced that upon its eventual return in the year 2010, the Mars Sojourner spacecraft will engage in an even more difficult and dangerous mission, scouring the North American landscape for any apparent signs of Jewish life.

NASA officials admit that the mission is a long-shot, given the current rates of assimilation, but give it the same odds as finding intelligent life in outer space.

First Shaliach in Space

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Lubavitch headquarters today announced plans for sending a shaliach to work in the international space station, which is to begin construction this year. Yechezkel Fahtumult, a recently ordained rabbi, was introduced as the leading candidate.

"This is a new frontier in human settlement, and the Lubavitch organization intends to be there," said Fahtumult, who will soon begin his learning of "Halachos Concerning Zero Gravity," authored by the late Rav Carl Sagan.

Lubavitch plans to ship monthly orders of kosher wine, frozen challahs, schnapps, chickens and cholent to the space station with each space shuttle mission until the MitzvahMobile can be retrofitted for space travel.

Lubavitch officials stated they were still studying how frequently to daven in space, since the sun rises and sets approximately every six hours aboard the space station as it orbits the earth.

Fluke or Advent of Mashiach?

LOS ANGELES — In a rare occurrence that scientists estimate happens only once every two million years, all congregants attending their synagogue's last Shabbat were found to be in total agreement with their respective rabbis' sermons.

While some authorities predicted this represented the advent of the coming of the Messiah, the Skeptics' Association downplayed the event as a mere fluke.

Jewish Unity?

WASHINGTON — Citing irreconcilable differences of opinion, six major national Jewish communal organizations announced last week that they would each be forming their own Task Force on Jewish Unity.

A Yiddishe Elvis?

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — On the 20th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death comes a fascinating discovery of a previously unheard of record album. Apparently, the rock legend cut the album during his youth in honor of his bubbe's 80th birthday.

While it is known that Elvis had a Jewish grandmother, the album discovery has shocked the Elvis revivalist movement worldwide.

The songs on the album include a jazzed-up version of "My Yiddishe Mama" and numerous other songs in Yiddish, his apparent mamaloshen. More startling, however, was the discovery of original songs such as "Beis Medresh Shockle," "Don't Press My Blue Suede Suit" and "Rib Steak, Tender," which musicologists now believe were the precursors to his other famous hits.

A farbrengen (celebration) in the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville is being planned for his next yahrzeit.