Specific injunctions against domestic violence are conspicuously absent from the Torah, notes San Rafael Rabbi Michael Barenbaum.
There is one quote in the Talmud that suggests a husband “shouldn’t beat his wife ‘too much,’ because that’s the way of the goyim,” said Barenbaum, spiritual leader of Congregation Rodef Sholom.
However, he said, the Bible itself is rife with examples of husbands manipulating their wives, and of women and children being treated like chattel in Jewish law.
Barenbaum participated in an Oct. 19 panel discussion on the Jewish community’s response to domestic violence. The event, which took place at his synagogue and was organized through Shalom Bayit, drew an audience of 20.
In the context of tolerance of domestic violence and of rabbis telling abused women to go home and make ‘shalom bayit’ — peace in the home — panel members said that today’s Jewish community must find ways of responding to this problem.
It is in response to such circumstances, that Shalom Bayit, the Bay Area Jewish Women’s Task Force on Domestic Violence, was formed in 1992.
The panel discussion focused on the need to bring the subject of domestic violence into the open and to craft a response.
“It’s especially isolating in the Jewish community,” said the event organizer and domestic violence survivor, who used only her first name — Cindy.
“There’s so much denial,” she said, “but it is important to me personally to organize my community to support me and others like me. Domestic violence feeds on silence and we need to break the cycle and facilitate peace within the community.”
Members of the panel discussed how relationships that end up being violent, usually start out looking like any other relationship.
Over time, one partner begins to act jealously, insult, isolate and control the couple’s finances. Finally, there is an escalation into violence. This is usually followed by apologies and promises of better behavior.
Commonly, though, the violence does happen again, with increasing intensity and frequency, while the apologies begin to disappear and are replaced by blame.
The cycle of self-blame, isolation and threats of more violence, along with the physiological and economic control exerted by the batterer, serves to trap the woman, making it difficult for her to see a way out.
According to Shalom Bayit, studies in several large American cities suggest that 20 to 30 percent of Jewish families experience abuse, a statistic that flies in the face of popular belief.
“Jewish women have been told that this doesn’t happen in Jewish families — it must be your fault, and you must go home and make shalom bayit,” Cindy said.
The women who formed the organization Shalom Bayit, which can be reached at (415) 241-8874, selected that name to symbolically take that concept back, suggesting that women are entitled to peace in their lives.
Pam, another panel member, is now thriving — as are her children. But Pam “ran an emotional marathon” for years, even after finally leaving her abusive husband eight years ago. She found herself ostracized by members of the congregation to which she and her former husband, a prominent public figure, both belonged.
The reaction of friends and family to the revelation that a woman is suffering abuse can, according to Shalom Bayit co-founder Sherry Brown-Ryther, make a big difference. It takes “incredible courage” for a woman to admit that this is happening, she added.
“It is very important that the first outreach someone makes to you is believed,” she said. “There is no reward for sharing this with people except as a beginning of the healing process.
“You should listen non-judgmentally, believe and encourage the person to do what they need to do. It is good to familiarize yourself with what resources are available to someone in this situation. It’s time to break the silence in the Jewish community.”
During the lively interchange of ideas between the panel and audience members, the Jewish community was called upon to:
*Open this subject for discussion in religious school.
*Teach youths conflict-resolution techniques.
*Discuss prevention within the Jewish community.
If Jews can demystify domestic violence, and create an environment in which women feel they can come forward, “we can create an entire Jewish community that is a shelter of peace,” said Naomi Tucker, a co-founder of Shalom Bayit.
There is religious precedence for this, too. “Thou shalt not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor,” said Tucker, quoting the commandment which, she said, admonishes everyone to intervene.
“Silence is complicity.”