No pastrami? This ‘Survivor’ dares members of the tribe

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It was only a matter of time before someone cooked up a Jewish riff on the television show “Survivor.”

After all, no matter what happens in the news, albeit Elian Gonzalez or Monica Lewinsky, there’s always got to be some goofy Jewish take on it floating around the Net.

“Survivor,” as anyone who’s not living on a deserted island knows by now, was about a group of strangers living on a deserted island. In this iteration of “reality television,” the 16 island castaways — plopped far from the comforts of home off the coast of Malaysia — did things like eat bugs, eat rats, get gangrene and make out in the bushes.

They endured physical challenges such as standing on planks for hours at a time and racing underwater while holding their breath. Little by little, the group voted out the least fit members, until one remaining islander won a cool million bucks.

Think of it as MTV meeting Charles Darwin. Or “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” — only minus Regis, plus a lot of sand in the shorts.

Anyway, somebody has envisioned a Jewish version of the hit show — whose two-hour finale aired Wednesday — and zapped it into cyberspace.

The Jewish “Survivor,” I learned from a mass e-mail that appeared in my inbox recently, would take place in a rent-controlled apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. Each week, the 18-member group would vote out one “member of the tribe” until the remaining survivor gets — what else? –a $1 million trust fund.

Among the special rules:

No maid service or visits from cleaning ladies.

No food from carry-out or delivery.

All workout sessions must be done in basic Kmart or Target brand sweats. No designer labels allowed. Exercise must be more than channel changing.

Trips outside the apartment can only be made by foot, bus or subway. No cabs allowed.

Any member checking on stock market investments is immediately banished.

No calls to mother (for women) or to the office (for men).

And yada, yada, yada, there we have it — the familiar old vision of Jews as spoiled, lazy and money-obsessed. I mean, how many times must we listen to the same weary refrains? One would hope the e-jokesters of the world could show some creativity.

Now it’s true I’m neurotic, have curly hair, hate camping, talk to my mother 10 times a day, am big time into rye bread and like to shop for discounts, but still…I say it’s time for some new stereotypes!

Jews are brilliant bowlers. They wear orange T-shirts. They love potato chips, listen to Hank Snow and read romance novels. Jews make the best tightrope walkers. Jews live in states beginning with consonants on streets named after trees. They never snore. What do you think, readers? Any ideas? Personally, I’m kind of excited about the idea of co-opting a whole new batch of stereotypes! Orange makes me look washed out, but the adventurous side of me could certainly be talked into walking a tightrope. And I’m always up for chips — as long as they’re alongside a pastrami sandwich.