You’re getting married. Mazel tov!
Although this is an incredible and unique experience for you and your beloved, some of the questions and problems that you are facing have been faced by many other couples who have marched under the chuppah. Luckily, some of them have shared their experiences on the World Wide Web. Today, a look at some Jewish wedding sites and insights.
If you have a question, there’s a good chance it’s been asked at Jewish.com. There are more than 70 questions there dealing with everything from proposals and engagements to the ketubah and the ceremony. For example, to the question, “Is one allowed to propose marriage during Shabbos?” Rabbi Leibie Sternberg says that Jewish law “specifically permits one to arrange betrothals on Shabbos, with the caveat that no financial matters or obligations be discussed. Making a shiduch is deemed a heavenly matter, and such are permitted on Shabbos.” Read his response at www.jewish.com/askarabbi/Lifecycle_Events/Weddings
I particularly like the initiative displayed by Kyra Schuster and Michael Scheinberg. Kyra and Mike got married in October 1998 (after having met on the Internet!). The couple has put together quite an informative and informal guide to Jewish weddings that you can read online and download, too.
Here’s a sample: Question: “Why is the Groom wearing a white robe? Did he forget his tux?” Answer: “No he didn’t forget his tux, it’s what we call a kittel. You see, the wedding day is a personal Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) for the bride and groom. On this holiday one wears white to symbolize cleanliness and purity. (Ever notice that Yom Kippur is always after Labor Day, but we still have to wear white? Anyway…) The white clothing is an extension of this purity. Besides, at a black-tie affair, it’s the best way to point out the bride and groom from an aerial view.” The couple’s site is www.kyra-mike.net/jewish.html
Ohr Somayach’s Ask the Rabbi feature — www.ohr.edu/ web/index/askw.htm — has addressed several wedding questions over the years. You can find out about the traditions guiding a child who wants to attend the second wedding of a parent, why the bride and groom are lifted up on chairs after the wedding, and what to do with the glass broken during the wedding ceremony: “There is no problem with throwing it away in the garbage. Although it was used in a religious ceremony, it itself is not a holy article. I’ve heard that some have the custom to save the glass and make jewelry from it.”
Eliezer Segal, a professor of Western religions at University of Calgary, has a Web site full of thought-provoking articles about Jewish life, history and things they never taught you at Jewish school. His section on Jewish weddings traces how the chuppah has evolved from the Garden of Eden to its use today. Segal examines the ketubah for clues to its ancient values and explains the tradition of holding Jewish weddings beneath the stars. His site is at www.acs.ucalgary.ca/ ~elsegal/ Shokel/Weddings_Index.html
The Union of American Hebrew Congregations has a Web site — http://uahc.org/ ask/questions.shtml — that outlines Reform views on marriage and intermarriage. There are questions and answers about interfaith ceremonies and interracial Jewish marriages.
If you’re still looking for more information, don’t miss Kyra and Mike’s links to other Jewish wedding sites, at www.kyra-mike.net/links.html
Miriam Weinstein has advice for a difficult problem: what to do when you are divorced and your children are getting married. She quotes Rabbi Myron Geller of Temple Ahavat Achim in Gloucester, Mass.: “The parents need to focus on the fact that the wedding is not the time to deal with their own conflicts. While it lends itself to acting out their continuing struggle, hostility and anger, this is not the proper setting to even scores, settle accounts, justify themselves…Just like we’re supposed to honor our parents, doing the proper thing for our children is a mitzvah.” Her article is at www.jflmail.com/ articles/1802.html
When you’re done reading up about all the hows and whys of Jewish weddings, you may be ready for some other meaty articles about what to expect after the wedding. The Aish HaTorah Web site has extensive sections dealing with marriage issues. There are many articles dealing with key issues like intimacy, commitment and trust at www.aish.com/family/marriage
The article on “Is Your Spouse Driving You Crazy?” is illustrated by that infamous tube of toothpaste with the cap off. In it, Emuna Braverman suggests that differences in a marriage can be a positive force for the relationship. “The Hebrew word shalom comes from the root shalem, meaning complete and whole. The definition of peace is not where ‘everyone is the same,’ it is where all the parts are working respectfully toward mutual completion.”
So once again, mazel tov, and happy reading!