When children are young, parents are the ultimate authority. They set the rules about the right and wrong ways of doing things, bedtime, social activities and getting homework done.
The need to talk with children about important things doesn’t end when they’ve grown up. But tables have turned. Roles have changed. Adult children have their own ideas and rules, which may be different from their parents’.
Yet it’s important to keep the lines of communication open so you can talk with your adult children about their life situations, help them make decisions, share in their concerns and joys, and help them with their challenges without seeming meddlesome or controlling.
Although a parent’s authority and responsibility legally ends when a child turns 18, that chronological milestone doesn’t mean children no longer need parental support and can no longer benefit from parental advice and their experience, according to Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, author of “How to Talk to Your Adult Children About Really Important Things.”
The key for parents is to realize that the dynamics of the relationship have changed when their children have grown up.
“When we talk to our adult children, we need to learn how to give advice as we would a friend — as a way to help them see another point of view, mix it with their own and make their own decisions,” DiGeronimo said.
Once the change in roles is accepted, parents need to stop and think before instinctively reacting as parents and resisting the urge to jump in with a solution or a dictum, according to DiGeronimo.
The key to keeping the lines of communication, love and respect open between parents and adult children is to learn to be a good listener. Ask for details about the situation. Don’t be judgmental. Avoid words like “should,” “must” and “ought.” When offering advice say something like “If I were in your situation, this is what I would do, but you need to decide what’s best for you,” DiGeronimo suggests.
To build a mature relationship with adult children and stay friends through all the ups and downs, she advises showing respect for their hobbies, talents, career ambitions, significant others and individuality.
The general guidelines she offers include trusting your children and letting them know it, showing confidence in their ability to run their own lives, encouraging them to set and pursue their own goals, offering emotional support, acknowledging and praising their accomplishments, listening first and advising later, being loving if they stumble and sharing with them stories of when you stumbled.
Alternative lifestyles can be a big issue between parents and adult children, says DiGeronimo, who defines an alternative lifestyle as “any lifestyle that’s not the same as yours.” It could be choosing a different political party or religion, choosing a partner of a different race, having a different sexual orientation, deciding to be a freelancer rather than a 9-to-5 employee or choosing to cohabit before marriage.
“The most important thing is to let your child know you love him or her no matter what,” said Rocky Velgos.
Velgos and his wife, Jeannette, are co-founders of the San Diego chapter of Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays. They have an adult gay son and they know from personal experience that gender issues can be the most difficult for parents to come to terms with. But Velgos says “love and acceptance are the answer.”
“We love our son and his partner and they are as much an accepted part of our family as if he were married to a woman,” Velgos said.
When talking with adult children about their concerns and yours, DiGeronimo suggests identifying your feelings and talking in “I” statements.
“Say ‘I feel concerned’ rather than ‘You’re wrong,’ or ‘How could you?'” she advised.
Further, she suggests being curious, not demanding.
“Ask your adult child to tell you more about the situation,” she suggests.
If the concern or revelation takes you so completely off-guard and off balance that you can’t think of a reasonable response, say, “This is unexpected. I need some time to think about it” rather than lashing out.
The first words out of your mouth can set the tone for the conversation (and ensuing discussions), so DiGeronimo advises calling for a time-out — giving yourself a chance to mull the situation over and do some soul searching to find out how you really feel so you can have a reasonable conversation rather than ranting the next time you discuss the situation.
While she says it’s important to talk about consequences, when all else fails, she advises agreeing to disagree because resolving and living with differences is more about acceptance and keeping communication open than in getting your point across.