The three samurais

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.

Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills,” commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

No. 3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword. Swooooooosh! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around.

“What kind of skill is that?” asked the emperor. “The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead, shmed,” replied the Jewish samurai. “Dead is easy. Now, circumcision…that takes skill!”

The cabby and the nun

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers: “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and second you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic, too!”

The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Growing up Jewish

You know you grew up Jewish when:

• You’ve had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

• You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls pot roast “brisket.”

• You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of 7.

• You were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

• You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

• You grew up thinking it’s normal for someone to shout “Are you OK? Are you OK?” through the bathroom door if you’re in there for longer than three minutes.

• You thought that speaking loud was normal.