Jokes

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Thirsty visitors

There’s a bar in Sausalito filled with men and women from all around the world.

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Miami Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Ritzy bat mitzvah

The bat mitzvah celebration was being held at the Claremont in the Oakland/Berkeley hills.

The room was decorated lavishly with beautiful flowers.

The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite.

Statues of ice, spewing pink punch, were at either end of the long table.

Mr. and Mrs. Barton Silverstein arrived a little late. They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were socialists and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so worthless a cause.

But their cousin Sara’s bat mitzvah was a must or Grandma Teitelbaum would never forgive them.

As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, “Isn’t this a beautiful affair?”

Pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the bat mitzvah girl made of chopped liver, she asked, “And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Sara?”

This was just too much for Barton. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, “Why, I’ve never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?”

“Lipschitz, of course, darling!” boasted the proud mama, “Epstein works only in baba ghanoush!”

Facelift

A middle-aged Jewish woman has a heart attack outside of a San Francisco synagogue and is taken to UCSF medical center.

While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God.

“God, is this it?” she asks. “Oy, tell me it isn’t it, because I want to live to fry latkes with my future grandkids and still go speed-dating at the new JCC!”

God says no and explains that she has another 30 to 40 years ahead of her.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!”

God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”