Jokes

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The punishment

Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.

Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, “Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God.”

A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.

“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn’t you do as the rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?”

“I did,” said the other. “But I boiled them first.”

Honesty and its consequences

One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his ax fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his ax into water.

God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

“Is this your ax?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No.”

God again went down and came up with a silver ax.

“Is this your ax?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No.”

God went down again and came up with an iron ax. “Is this your ax?” God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes.”

God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.

Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.

“Yes”, he said.

God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”

The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes.” Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes.”