Jokes

Catch?

Fred gets a new dog and can’t wait to show him off to his neighbor.

So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Fred points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, “Fetch!”

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice, “You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you’re feeding me is good? You try it. Too salty. And what do you care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can’t even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk.”

The neighbor is amazed. “What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!”

“Oh, I know”, explains the dog owner. “He’s young, and I’m still training him. He thought I said kvetch!”

A Jewish Catholic

A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first Mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion.

At the end of the new priest’s sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.

“Pater Lewis,” he said, “That was very well done; you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next next time, please don’t start your sermon with, ‘Fellow goyim…'”

Two beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, “Young man, don’t you

realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!”

Utopia for pigs

Two pigs were talking and one said to the other, “Wouldn’t this be a great world if everyone was kosher?”

Two ties

My mother once gave me two ties for my birthday.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.