Sign up for Weekday J and get the latest on what's happening in the Jewish Bay Area.

A trip home

Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left an Orthodox community in Israel for San Francisco some years earlier, returns to visit his family.

“But Benjamin, where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.

“Mother,” he replies, “In San Francisco, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least you keep the Sabbath?” his mother asks.

“Mother, business is business. In San Francisco, everybody works on the Sabbath.”

“But kosher food you still eat?” asks his mother.

“Mother, in San Francisco, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”

Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard.

Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, “Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?”

Kosher chicken

The CEO of a kosher chicken corporation was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject he came to ask the rabbi about.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I’m willing to give this synagogue $5 million. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over chicken.”

The rabbi was taken by surprise by this request. He told the CEO, “For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment — you want me to go against this age-old tradition? I don’t think I can do this.”

The CEO was undaunted. “Rabbi,” he said, “you drive a hard bargain. All right, I will give you $10 million to do this, but not a penny more.”

The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, “I will have to get back to you on that.”

The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. “Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued. “We have just come into $10 million!”

The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued.

“That’s the good news. The bad news is — we just lost the Manischewitz account!”

Bush and the Jews

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before we do?”

The CIA chief says, “The Jews have this expression: ‘Vus tut zich?‘ which in Yiddish means, ‘What’s happening?’ They just ask each other, and they know everything.'”

The president can’t believe a network is that good and decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true.

He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, long grayish beard) is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhood.

Within three minutes a little old man comes shuffling along.

The president stops him and whispers, “Vus tut zich?”

The old guy whispers back “Bush is in Brooklyn.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.