Jokes

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Lying

A rabbi told his congregation, “Next Shabbat I plan to speak about lying. To help everyone better understand my sermon, please read all 66 verses on the story of Lavon in Genesis chapter 33.”

The following Shabbat, as the rabbi prepared to give his talk, he asked for a show of hands from his congregation on how many members had read all 66 verses of Genesis 33. Almost every hand went up.

He smiled and said, “Genesis chapter 33 has only 20 verses. Now let us proceed with the discussion on the sin of lying.”

The lottery

A Jewish guy from San Jose prayed each day to win the California lottery. “God,” he’d say, “please let me win the lottery. Please, please, please let me win the lottery.” After about 10 years of praying, to no avail, he was getting exasperated.

Finally he said, “God, why haven’t I won the lottery? I’ve prayed every day for 10 years and I haven’t won the lottery.”

“Joe,” a voice boomed, “at least meet me halfway and purchase a lottery ticket.”

Mummies

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.'”

Election Day

The first Jewish president is elected. He calls his mother: “Mama, I’ve won the election; you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”

“I don’t know, what would I wear?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker.”

“But I only eat kosher food.”

“Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food.”

“But how will I get there?”

“I’ll send a limo — just come, Mama.”

“OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”

The great day comes and the president’s mother is seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. “You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible?

“His brother’s a doctor!”

Jewish Answer

A non-Jew asked Reb Moshe: “Why do Jews always answer with a question?”

Reb Moshe: “Why not?”

A little riddle

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Filet minyan.

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.