The divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. 

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are not getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “OK,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

The country club

Hymie Schneerson has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club in his new Cadillac.

But unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the driver wants to return, but not Hymie.

He says: “Wait here for me.” 

His driver responds: “But don’t you see the sign? They will kick you out immediately!” 

Hymie: “But I don’t have to tell them I am Jewish.” And he leaves for the gate. 

So the driver waits … one hour … two hours … three hours … Finally after over three hours, Hymie is kicked out by two bodybuilder-type guardsmen. 

The driver asks: “What happened?” 

Hymie answers, “Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. 

“I shouted: ‘Oh, my God, what shall I do now?’ And then the waters separated and everybody knew …”

Ice cream cake

After years of hearing from her mother that her tush was too big, a Bay Area woman decides to bite the bullet, work out at Curves and cut down on her carbs.

On her next trip to visit her mother in New York, she wears slim-fitting pants. Her mother takes a look at her and says, “You look great! Here, have some ice cream cake to celebrate!”

Mistaken identity

Issy and Hetty, a young Orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke on Shabbat and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.

The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?”

Something’s fishy

Q: How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?

A: It’s the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.