Yaakov’s deathbed

Yaakov was on his deathbed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, “Mama — you here?”

“Yes, Papa.”

“Sammy — you here?”

“Yes, Papa.”

“Isadore — you here?”

“Yes, Papa.”

“Rosalie — you here?

“Yes, Papa.”

“Rachel — you here?”

“Yes, Papa.”

With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, “Well, who’s watching the store?”

A very wealthy person

A man who is seeking donations comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the solicitor greets him, “Shalom aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshiva, and I’m wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution …”

The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks the solicitor.

“Sir, I’m positive,” replies the homeowner.

“But,” says the solicitor, “It says here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish” replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

“Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong, you must be kidding me. Are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” demands the solicitor. “For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather Mordechai ben-Israel wasn’t Jewish either.”

Memory

An elderly couple was dining at another couple’s house, and after dinner, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen began chatting, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, “Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”

His friends replies, “A carnation?”

“No. No. The other one,” the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”

“Nahhhh,” growls the man. “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”

His friend said, “Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, Yes that’s it. Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

The visiting rabbi

In the middle of his sermon, the visiting rabbi stopped and called the shammes. He pointed to a man in the fifth row.

“That man is sound asleep, go and wake him.”

The shammes shook his head and said “Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.