Everyone’s bar mitzvah memories include hyperactive young boys sucking the helium out of balloons, knocking down a few too many Shirley Temples and dancing the hora in a sugar-fueled craze.
Well, maybe not everyone’s. But nobody — nobody — ever received a bar mitzvah serenade from Snoop Dogg along with a complimentary champagne flute of gin and juice and a rousing chorus chock full of language that would do George Carlin proud.
And that’s where Comedy Central is different from you or me. In order to get Snoop Dogg at your bar mitzvah, you have to be either an incredibly wealthy Jewish family or a moderately successful cable network. And, in creating the “Comedy Central Bar Mitzvah Bash!” the 13-year-old home of shows such as “South Park,” “Chappelle’s Show” and “The Daily Show” surprised a lot of its own stars.
I mean, it doesn’t look Jewish.
“I didn’t even know Comedy Central was Jewish,” admitted comedian Dave Chappelle during the two-hour show, which airs at 10 p.m. on Sunday, April 25. “I knew they were cheap.”
And that, in essence, is the evening. The “bash” is an opportunity for a handful of performers — some Jewish, some not — to trot out their best Jewish jokes — some funny, some not.
A hobbling Jeffrey Ross (on crutches after an accident which he says proves that “Jews should not skate”), notes that he’s not very religious. He only makes it to temple twice a year: Christmas and Easter.
He also managed to review some Jewish porno movies: “I Don’t Do That,” a remake of “Debbie Does Nothing.”
The host for the night was Adam Carolla (a curious choice to host a Jewish-themed event, though he certainly is Semitic-looking, or maybe just hairy. Incidentally, he could marry L.A. newscaster Trisha Toyota, and then she would be Trisha Toyota-Carolla). He noted that a bar mitzvah is so titled because “13 is the age Jews begin studying for the bar.”
He also quipped: “A huge, televised bar mitzvah. Great, the terrorists are gonna love this.”
These, by the way, are the best jokes.
Some of the night’s performers just knock off an obligatory “Mazel tov!” before getting into their regular material, or don’t even know what a bar mitzvah is (the 18th confusion of a bar mitzvah and a brit is not so thrilling). And some simply aren’t very entertaining. I’m not going to name all the names, but if you go and get a beverage from the fridge while Mario Cantone is performing, you’ll be a happier human being for it.
Carolla — former host of “The Man Show” and resident funnyman on radio’s “Loveline” — seems a bit stiff and uncomfortable up on stage and sticking to a rather formulaic script. He’s much better in unscripted situations, and, thankfully, he does get a “man in the street” segment to show off his improvisational skills. At one point, he asks a yarmulke-wearing Jew to say “Happy bar mitzvah, Comedy Central” in Hebrew, “Or, as my racist grandfather used to say, ‘Jew-talk.'”
We may be in the post-Janet’s boob era of televised entertainment, but no one pulled any punches during the bar mitzvah bash. Expletives are uttered at such a pace that the edited version will undoubtedly resemble Morse code, thanks especially to Carolla and Snoop, who curse with the frequency of First Amendment crusaders.
And Jews are not the only ones to be lampooned. Comedian DL Hughley notes that 13-year-old black boys are told to “get a f—g job,” while Carolla quips that the black rite of adulthood is “being tried as an adult.”
Like most clip shows, the bar mitzvah bash is wildly uneven and drags on a bit. And one really has to wonder why the network’s most recognizable star — Jon Stewart, who is Jewish — didn’t host or even take part (Carolla joked that Stewart nixed the idea so they approached him — to ask Jimmy Kimmel, who also said no).
But if you like classic 1990s rap and filthy language with your mazel tovs, this ought to be two hours of mild entertainment.