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Another flood

A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in three days the waters will wipe out the world.

A televangelist takes to the airwaves and pleads with everyone to welcome Jesus as their savior; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.

The pope goes on TV with a similar message: “It is still not too late to accept Catholicism,” he says.

The chief rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: “We have three days to learn how to live under water.”

Answering prayers

“In the synagogue I heard men praying,” said the boy. “It must be awfully hard for God.”

“Why?” asked the rabbi.

“The woodcutter was praying for cold weather, the fruit-seller for mild weather, the farmer for rain and the brick-maker for dry weather. They are godly men. How does God know how to answer all their prayers?”

“How is the weather now?” asked the rabbi.

“Dry and mild.”

“And last week?”

“On Monday and Tuesday it rained. Thursday it was cold.”

“See,” said the rabbi.

The atheist and the monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

Gourmet Jewish food

A Jew was walking on Rodeo Drive in L.A. and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in Armani couture approached him and politely asked, “May I help you, sir?”

“Yes,” replied the customer, “I would like to buy a pound of lox.” 

“No. No,” responded the dignified salesperson, “You mean smoked salmon.” 

“OK, a pound of smoked salmon.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”

“No. No. You mean crepes.”

“OK, a dozen crepes.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”

“No. No. You mean pate.”

“OK,” said the Jewish patron, “A pound of pate. And,” he added, “I’d like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday.”

“Look,” retorted the indignant salesperson, “We don’t schlep on Shabbos.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.