Dating criteria

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,” she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?”

“No Mom, he’s not,” replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?”

Funny wife

“If your wife laughs at your jokes, it means that you either have a good joke or a good wife.”

Golda Meir’s troubles

When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were.

“I have many problems,” she replied.

Nixon said, “Why? You are the president of 8 million, while I am the president of 180 million.”

To which she replied, “You are the president of 180 million people, while I am the president of 8 million presidents.”

Go figure

A young man asks the rabbi about who is truly a wise man. The rabbi says: “Any dummy can be right 50 per cent of the time. A wise man is right 60 per cent of the time. Rabbi Rosenberg from Bialystok was right 75 per cent of the time. However, if someone is right 90 per cent of the time, it is very suspicious, and if someone is right 100 per cent of the time, he must be a bad, violent criminal man, and you should avoid him like a plague”.

The generals’ baskets

Like people of many religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs, traditions and laws into their everyday lives.

Even the military in Israel is operated under strict religious laws.

All of their generals have three baskets on their desks for their correspondence: “Sacred,” “Top sacred” and “Oy, don’t ask !”

Half Jewish

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, “Can we go home now?”

“Not yet”, replies her mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.”

How to find me

“It was so nice to meet you! If you are ever in Odessa, please come and visit me, I’ll be glad to see you again!”

“But what’s your address?”

“Nothing can be easier! You know the main street in Odessa, De Ribas Street? So you walk straight from its beginning and make the second turn to the left. Go ahead and enter the first big arc to your right. You’ll be in a big yard surrounded by apartment buildings. Yell: ‘Rabinowitz!!!’ You’ll see faces looking at you from all the windows except one! This is my window. Because my name is Shapiro.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.