The zoo

Dov, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he’s ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: “Actor needed to play ape.” 

“I could do that,” says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. 

Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that it can no longer afford to import the ape needed to replace the recently deceased one. So until it can, the zoo will put an actor in an ape suit. 

Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. 

At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Soon, he’s drawing a sizable crowd. 

One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion’s den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his hands, and prays at the top of his lungs, “Sh’ma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Adonai Echad!” 

The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, “Baruch shem k’vod malchuto l’olam va’ed!” 

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, “Shut up, you shlemiels. You’ll get us all fired!!!” 

Gold teeth

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had five sets of solid gold false teeth made. 

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. 

“We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The official shook his head and said, “Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?” 

Moisha then said, “Vell, us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.” 

The official slapped his head and then said, “You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?” 

“Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

To learn something new

Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Mrs. Cohen hugged him and said: “Good luck, my sweet bubbeleh. Be good, dear bubbeleh, and work hard. “And remember, my bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh, bubbeleh, I’m so proud of you!” 

That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried: “Bubbeleh, my sweet bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?” 

“Well,” said the boy, “to start with, I learned that my name is Aaron.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.