Jewish mothers

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry?”

She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

The Jewish mother answers, “I don’t like her.”

The crowded cafeteria

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: “Watch Your Hat and Overcoat.”

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking on his food.

His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally, Moshe said, “You, dope. Stop watching our overcoats.”

“I’m only watching mine,” replied Meyer. “Yours has been gone for over half an hour.”

The matchmaker

The shadchan goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Mr. Cohen, you mustn’t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time,” says the shadchan.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Cohen. “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good,” says the shadchan, “but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said two sisters. I didn’t say they were mine!”

The new Moses

The rabbi’s wife called a psychiatrist and said, “My husband thinks he’s the new Moses. Almost like a reincarnation!”

The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.

“OK,” she responded. “But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot tub?”

The confession

My Uncle Charles, who’s 89 years of age, goes to a Catholic church and goes to confession.

“Father,” he says, “I’m 89 years old and I’m having an affair with a 25-year-old girl.”

The priest asks him how long since his last confession.

Charles replies: “I’ve never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me this?” the priest wants to know.

Charles says, “I’m telling everyone.”

Guidance from above

A man prays for guidance: “Oh God — What should I do with my life? What do you expect of me? What will happen to me after I die? What is the meaning of life?”

For a while, Creation is silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely impatient, shouts from heaven: “READ THE FAQ!”

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