I confess: The Protocols are real &mdash and so is the tooth fairy

Forgive me if I seem rushed. I’ve been so busy helping the Jews take over the world, I simply haven’t had a moment to myself.

Confused? Just check your copy of “The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion.” It’s all there.

Despite proof that “The Protocols” is a 100-year-old czarist forgery, the book remains Exhibit A for anti-Semites everywhere. It’s revered by Islamicists, as well as haters on the far left and far right. Egyptian television even broadcast a “Protocols” movie (“This Thursday at 8, 7 central, an ETV movie event … in the Jewish temple, no one can hear you scream.”)

Apparently, those who love the lie will never stop propagating it. So, I give up. The persistence of the anti-Semites has worn me down. I can’t fight them anymore. I confess.

The Protocols are real. Yep. Not a forgery. The Jews — perhaps .001 percent of the population — really did get together and plot to take over the world.

Yeah, and it was easy, too, even though we were scattered across the globe, mostly poor and spoke 100 different languages. All we had to do was get our Elders together.

But first, we needed some Elders.

They were selected at the Evil Elder Conclave/Matzah Bake-Off. Qualifications were rigorous. Each Elder had to control the banks in his respective country and he had to win his heat in a sack race.

The trickiest requirement: He had to be a Papist and an anti-Papist at the same time.

Then, those crafty Elders figured out how to travel freely across the borders of their police states, gather at a secret location (a South of Market deli) and get their signals straight.

Over seven days, they wrote The Protocols in an underground chamber, while volunteers from the Peninsula chapter of Hadassah stirred a large cauldron of chicken soup.

Now, for the first time, I present an excerpt from “The Protocols” from the standardized text approved by the Flatbush Academy of Jewish World Domination.

The following is a conversation between Elder Shlomo “Shecky” Katz of Sector 9 (Krakow) and Elder Melvin “Buddy” Springstein, Sector 3 (Noe Valley):

MS: “Elder Shlomo, you can’t embark on world domination in that suit. Look at the fit! It makes you look fat!”

SK: “Do you know how much I paid for this suit? A lot, I can tell you. Besides, anyone bent on world domination would be proud to wear this suit.”

MS: “Well, not me.”

SK: “Maybe you don’t have the kishkes for world domination. Perhaps you would prefer if the Jews dominated only certain institutions, like, say, all the pet stores. Would you like that? Not so impressive.”

MS: “So what is your plan for world domination, exactly?”

SK: “Better than yours. My plan is to have the Jews make incremental social gains until the 1930s, then have most of us wiped out by European anti-Semites.”

MS: “I’m listening …”

SK: “Then, after most of the world turns its back on us, we finally get our own country in Zion.”

MS: “Interesting, but what about world domination?”

SK: “I’m getting to that! Next, thousands of Jews living in Arab lands will be kicked out. Our brethren in Russia will be persecuted mercilessly. Then, as more gather in Zion, our neighbors will swear undying hatred toward us, ensuring a permanent state of war, with much of the world hostile to our cause.”

MS: “Clever, but have you considered having the world mistrust us no matter how much we contribute to the benefit of civilization?”

SK: “Naturally.”

MS: “And will we be unfairly branded a racist pariah state?”

SK: “Shlomo, please!”

MS: “Yes, I admit, it’s brilliant. But what about the Chinese food? Will there be Chinese food”

SK: “Are you kidding? Of course.”

MS: “Shlomo, you scheming plotter, you thought of everything. OK, gentlemen, we’ll meet again tomorrow to fill in the details. And who’s getting the check? I’m not paying for the smoked sturgeon.”

It sure feels good to get this off my chest. I’ve been keeping this secret for so long it’s a relief to be out in the open about it.

Oh, and for the record, when we finally do take over the world, I want an Acura, Salma Hayek and a Budweiser distributorship.

Dan Pine lives and kvetches in Albany. He can be reached at [email protected].

Dan Pine

Dan Pine is a contributing editor at J. He was a longtime staff writer at J. and retired as news editor in 2020.