The Amazing Fred

A wandering yeshiva student drove into a small town where a circus was in process. But it was a Jewish circus.

A sign read: “Don’t miss The Amazing Fred.” The student bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man with giant earlobes that drooped down to the floor.

Suddenly, the old man swung his lobes like whips and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Fred was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later, the yeshiva student, now an up-and-coming rabbi, visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign: “Don’t miss The Amazing Fred.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Amazing Fred stood before them, then suddenly starts swinging his earlobes even faster and stronger than 10 years earlier. He smashed the coconuts with three swings of his unusual ears.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the rabbi requested a meeting with him after the show.

“You’re incredible!” he told the seemingly frail Amazing Fred. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well,” said the Amazing Fred, “My eyes are not what they used to be!”

Insider information

Bob has been suffering with his hearing for many years and at last decides to see a doctor.

After examining Bob, the doctor tells him, “Oy gevalt! I’m surprised you’ve put up with this problem for so long. All you need is a hearing aid and some matzah ball soup.”

Within days, Bob is fitted with a state-of-the-art hearing aid and is asked to return in four weeks’ time for a check-up.

Bob returns to the doctor a month later and after another examination, the doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect, almost 100 percent. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

Bob replies, “Oy, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result, I’ve changed my will three times already.”

Appreciation

Gary, a financial adviser, is talking to one of his elderly female clients about her recent purchase of $100,000 worth of Meyers and Briggs shares.

“Rebecca, do you remember your recent investment in Meyers and Briggs? Well, I’ve just heard that they are going to split.”

“Oy vey, vat a pity,” she replies sadly. “I’m really very upset to hear about it — especially as they’ve been together for such a long time.”

A visit to the butcher

Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, “So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful 9-pound baby boy.”

Jacob nods his approval in an absentminded kind of way and says, “Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.