A good wife

Sam is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Sam is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.

Everyone comes up to wish them mazel tov — and to exchange all the old jokes

“Sam, where will you both live?”

“We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”

“Sam, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?”

“Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it.”

Later, Rabbi Landau takes Sam aside and says, “Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?”

“To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure,” Sam replies.

“Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?” asks Rabbi Landau.

“I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi,” Sam replies.

“Is Hetty rich?” he asks.

“I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money,” replies Sam.

“So, she must be … good in bed. Is that so?” asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.

“I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?” answers Sam.

“But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?” asks Rabbi Landau.

“She can drive at night,” replies Sam.

Reasons for divorce

Rose goes to see Max, her lawyer, and says, “I want to divorce my Harry.”

“Why do you want to do that?” Max asks, “I thought you said he was a man of rare gifts.

“He is,” replies Rose. “He’s never given me a present in 20 years of marriage.”

“Very funny, Rose. Is there another reason why you want a divorce?” asks Max.

“Yes there is,” she replies. “I want a divorce because of his appearance.”

“That’s an unusual reason,” says Max.

“Not really,” says Rose, “Harry hasn’t put in an appearance at home for four months.

Eagle eyes

Paul comes home from work. As usual, he just drops his jacket on the chair in the hallway. As usual, his wife, Jill, picks it up.

Just as she’s about to hang it up in the closet, she notices something on the jacket.

“Paul,” she shrieks at him, “There’s a long gray hair on your jacket. You been to your mother’s to get sympathy again, haven’t you?”

Playtime learning

Four-year-old Tim is playing in his garden with his friend Mary. They’re splashing around in his paddling pool and quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes.

Tim looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says, “Oy, I just didn’t realize there was so much difference between Catholics and Jews.”

These jokes have been e-mailed to us by friends and associates who, for the most part, have downloaded them. We therefore cannot verify the authorship.